Monday, December 8, 2008
I took this from the county property down near Haven Beach. It was a beautiful day, one of the last days I had before I became permanently encrusted with pine sap.
Welcome to the very first installment of Chesapeake Bay Woman’s Guide to Home Decorating. Today we begin with how to make a homemade wreath in 17 easy steps.
1. Procure the greenery. This is the most fun part of all. Take your clippers and march out the door to the pine and cedar trees in your yard and start snipping away. Do not wear gloves, and do this on the coldest day of the year.
2. After the greenery is cut, drag it to a central location, such as your front steps. Sit and stare at the pile for ten minutes realizing you have no idea how to make a wreath.
3. Decide you need some string to tie the greenery together. You see that you have none.
4. Go to the internet and do some searches on homemade wreaths. See that most instructions call for some flower wire and a glue gun. Realize you have neither and refuse to go out to get some.
5. Go back outside and stare at the pile of greenery for another five minutes.
6. Go back inside into your closet. Cuss like a sailor when you trip over an Easter basket or a vacuum cleaner cord or a dead body but be thankful that the mounds of clothes on the floor serve as a safety net to cushion your fall.
7. Grab two wire coat hangers. Pat yourself on the back because you have a grand idea, and you’re starting to think you’ve turned into Martha Stewart!
8. Go back outside. Pull the wire hanger into a circular shape. Except it will not form a circular shape, so just be fine with the oblong diamond shape that it forms. This is a primitive wreath, after all.
9. Take the pine limbs and start wrapping them around the wire. Keep doing this until your eyes are crossed and there is no feeling left in your fingers.
10. Look down and realize there is pine sap on your shirt, your pants and all over your hands. Ignore it for now.
11. Look at the finished product. Declare yourself a Martha Stewart. A Martha Stewart who has sustained severe trauma to the head.
12. Go back in the house and leave the pile of cedar and pine limbs right where you put them, which is on your front step. Leave the clippers there too. Leave the ribbons you brought out thinking you were going to put them on your masterpiece. Leave the extension cord and the outdoor lights you thought you might put up. Leave it all and dash inside because your hands are about to drop off.
13. Wash frozen hands to get pine sap off. Dry. Wash them again with Joy Ultra because regular soap does not get pine sap off. Dry. Wash them with sulfuric acid because nothing gets pine sap off.
13. Realize after the soapy water hits your arms that the cedar and pine needles have scratched them to pieces.
14. Sit down at the computer to ease your stress.
15. Realize there is now pine sap all over your keyboard.
16. Make note to self which says this: Dear Self, never again.
17. Call Chesapeake Bay Mother and ask her to make you some homemade wreaths.