Wednesday, September 3, 2008
First Day-Worst Day
This is another lovely sunset in Mathews County.
Today was Chesapeake Bay Children's first day of school. It also marked my first dentist appointment in over 7 years. That is seven (7) years.
Warning! Exceedingly Long Post To Follow: Please do not adjust your eyeballs. They are sure to go crossed no matter what preventative steps you take. This is merely a stress release and not meant to be entertaining or readable. Not that it ever is anyway.
Sometimes I wonder if I am being tested, but most days I've just come to expect that if anything can go wrong it will, and there's no possible way I could concoct or anticipate the stuff that happens to me on a routine basis.
Here is but a sampling of what happened today:
1. CB Son and Daughter get up, eat a wonderful breakfast, get dressed for school and we have 20 minutes to spare. Great!
2. At just the right moment, I holler upstairs for them to come down so I can drive them to school. Ordinarily they ride the bus, but today was going to be special. (Oh, and special it was.)
3. No sooner had I reached for my pocketbook and keys, then I glanced out the window to see one of our 6 killer cats batting a poor, defenseless bird on the deck.
4. Chesapeake Bay Woman screams NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! A bead of sweat breaks out on her forehead, and her heartbeat quickens.
5. Chesapeake Woman, in her older years, has grown quite fearful of touching insects, small mammals, creepy things that could be lurking below the surface of the water when swimming in the ocean and just about every rodent identifiable by modern science. A new one she added to her list this morning was poor, defenseless birds that couldn't hurt a flea. She was not always this way, no. Something happened after age 40 that turned every logical thought into one big episode of panic and fear, with a side dose of dread.
6. Given that, she hollered at Chesapeake Bay Children to please come out and help her save the poor bird. She made Chesapeake Bay Son pick the thing up. SHE WOULD RATHER HAVE HER SON DO IT THAN TOUCH IT HERSELF. Looking at the big picture, she did have good intentions. Really. Bird is placed in a bush and we race to the car.
7. Chesapeake Bay Son announces that the button to his shorts has popped off. More delay. (Remember, we were originally right on time, if not early. Tick-tock, tick-tock and it is the first day of school. We are gonna be late.)
8. Pulling out of our lane, we see Neighbor Man at the end of the road flagging us down. Neighbor Man is waiting to tell us that we've missed the bus. Except we didn't miss the bus because I was driving them to school. I just didn't put that fact on the 8:00 morning news. Neighbor Man proceeds to tell us a very nice, very prolonged story about how we can still catch the bus, etc. Tick-tock, tick-tock, we're gonna be late for school. The very first day.
9. Chesapeake Bay Woman pulls out onto the main highway on two wheels, where main highway = two-lane highway, and CBW has crossed the dividing line into the other lane. She quickly over corrects her steering and children start sweating. One of them may have been crying. Maybe it was me who broke out into a sweat. Or who was crying. Who knows. It's all one big blurrish nightmare.
10. After I collect myself, I reassure them we're not gonna be late, even though we still have about 12 solid miles to drive. Chesapeake Bay Son doesn't buy it and proclaims that this is the WORST FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL EVER. Well!
11. I drop them off--with a minute or so to spare--and race back home. I have exactly 40 minutes before my first dental appointment in seven years. Yep, seven. I have some extra time, so I decide to clean up the dishes in the kitchen, which is hardly a chore I relish even on a normal day. When I reach for the faucet, I am met with the last thing in the known universe I would have expected to see: I was eye to grotesque, multiple, disgusting eyes with a PRAYING MANTIS. On my kitchen faucet. Inside my house. In my kitchen. Clinging all over my stuff. Cackling with glee at how much he has successfully scared the bajeebus out of me.
I let out a scream that can be heard in six counties. I also declared a praying mantis infestation. Will someone please get me an Orkin Man for Christmas?? One who handles fiddler crabs, ants, moths, fruit flies, house flies and now praying mantises?
12. I go to my dental appointment. Here are the results:
a) I am in Stage 1 Hypertension. I am NOT making this up.
b) I have an infection that has eaten away the bone of my tooth and the root is halfway gone. This requires amoxycillin.
c) Mr. Dentist proclaims that the following needs to happen:
- One tooth pulled.
- One operation to insert cow bone to reinforce bone that has rotted away due to infection. I said cow bone.
- Gum problems that need to be tended to.
- At least one cavity.
- I need a crown.
- I need to be sedated with Valium before they will do a cleaning on me. I am NOT making this up. Based on my behavior in the chair, they said it would be best if I came back another time with a sedative in my bloodstream.
- I need to use special toothpaste meant for people whose gums are receeding below their belly button.
- I need to check myself in to Eastern State Hospital. (I am making that part up. Maybe.)
d) After that lovely experience, I race to work, which is only 55 miles away.
There is more to this story that is equally unnerving but I am choosing to stop things here because my Stage 1 Hypertension is flaring up again. Other unmentionable events include the fact that I was called on by the Head Honcho at work to advise him how to handle a possible downsizing and restructuring of the workforce that, when all is said in done, could potentially result in Chesapeake Bay Woman becoming Chesapeake Bay Homeless Woman Due To Advising Management How to Effectively And Safely Eliminate Positions Up To And Including Her Own.