Monday, September 22, 2008

Seven Things-Part One

This is an old store down Onemo. It was begging me to come closer and take a look inside, but I resisted the temptation. With my luck, someone would either shoot me or call the law, or a herd of fiddler crabs would come charging out.

My mother's mother ran a country store at what used to be Gloucester Day School, now Ware Academy. They also ran a store down at Flat Iron, next to where the blacksmith shop was.

Speaking of my mother, (see how I can use my ADD-like tendencies to segue way like that?) she has made yet another contribution to this blog

A million years ago, tj from humbleorigins, tagged my mother (aka mumma) for that 7-thingie questionnaire that was floating around the internet. I’m presenting her answers in two parts because, believe it or not, I am aware that these posts tend to get way too lengthy and you all come here instead of taking Ambien to get some much-needed sleep.

Here’s Chesapeake Bay Woman’s Mother:
Seven Things I Plan to Do Before I Die
1. Get this house straight.
2. Earn six figures a year at home in my spare time. (Note: Buy a gypsy outfit, a crystal ball, a deck of taro cards and a large neon sign saying, “FORTUNES SOLD HERE. ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT, IN MANY POSITIONS.) *
3. Deteriorate physically.
4. Deteriorate mentally.
5. Lose my teeth.
6. Hire a beautiful Swede named Lars to mow my grass and give me back rubs and anything else he might want. **
7. Have one last vacation with my girls and Husband. Antarctica sounds cool.

Seven Things I Can Do
1. Whistle by blowing into a blade of grass held between my thumbs.
2. Flex my arms until they look broken (double-jointed). ***
3. Touch poison oak without getting a rash.
4. Twirl a baton and tap dance simultaneously. OK, that was a long time ago.
5. Pick up a live crab with my bare hands. Sometimes.
6. Outrun Husband. I only let him catch me when I want to.
7. Pull a jelly jar off a skunk’s head without getting sprayed. I got witnesses.****

Seven Things I Cannot Do
1. Communicate with the dead.
2. Communicate with the living.
3. Read for literary value without truly being interested. Shoot me.
4. Picture multi-dimensional solid figures. Brain strain.
5. Configure a black hole. If you fall “in” a black hole, where is the “in?” Probably glued to the side of a multi-dimensional solid figure.
6. See the future by training my attention to the subatomic level and riding a bison over the Einstein-Rosen Bridge to Always and Ever.*****
7. Use witchcraft. It would be handy for housekeeping.

-Chesapeake Bay Woman's Mother
Chesapeake Bay Woman’s Notes and Clarifications:

• *(shudder)I don't know what to say. So I'll say nothing.

• ** (shudder) But please send him over when he’s done with your yard, etc.

• ***I inherited this lovely trait. It’s always good to use at cocktail parties to break the ice, you know, contort yourself like some freak of nature.

• ****It’s funny, but if I were to have told the story about the skunk getting his head stuck in the jelly jar, I would have said she did get sprayed. I must be confusing stories, because she has definitely been sprayed trying to save a skunk from some perceived disaster. Head caught in jelly jar definitely counts as a legitimate disaster, I will say.

. ***** HUH?

That’s all for today, folks. More exciting answers tomorrow.

Thanks, t.j. for tagging CBM.


Grandma J said...

Your Mumma is so funny! Lars can do what ever he wants? I think you take after your Mumma with the bare chest fettish.

Instead of reading fortunes and taro cards, maybe training skunks to twirl batons and tap dance would be one in this whole wide world would approach a skunk...head stuck up a turnips arse is tough luck

Mental P Mama said...

As soon as Lars is on board, give me a call.

BOSSY said...

Ran a country store? To Bossy those words are like porn. Siiiiiiigh.

Anonymous said...

Yes, CBW. I would also say that she got sprayed when she helped the skunk get that jar off of his head...but, we could be confusing stories.

I just wanted to also add, since I'm just now reading the last two blogs....that in 1976 I was 8 1/2, so this was the fourth grade. I had skipped from second grade to fourth grade that year, I guess because I was "gifted." I remember the day that Mrs. W (cigarette in mouth), stopped the van and asked Mumma what I thought about the idea of my moving up a grade. I secretly held back my joy, as I realized that I'd be in the same classroom as the older boys!!!

Mumma had a lot of fun doing my projects back then, so I let her have at it. I don't think I had a good day b/c she had the flu(e), I think the two were unrelated. Much later in school, I learned about paragraph structure.

It all worked out, and somewhere along the line, I took over doing my own assignments again. But, she enjoyed making that clay camel, when we studied the middle east. The Argentina project was made out of that flour/salt mixture that you baked in the oven. I believe that it was a map of Argentina on black construction paper (once it cooled off). I can't imagine why I ended up with a B-. That sounds a bit harsh. I probably should have told the teacher that it was a pancake.

-CB Middle Sis

Bear Naked said...

After CBMother, CBWoman and Mental P Mama have finished with Lars he is all mine.
I don't mind Swedish leftovers.

Bear((( )))

Rebeckah said...

So funny : ). I am very glad she can't do witchcraft...that kind of freaks me out a little! Lars? Let me know when you get him! Amazing about the skunk too. WOW. How did she do that? Does her talent have NO end?

Living on the Spit said...

Great post. I couldn't stop laughing!!! Now, about Lars.....

soupisnotafingerfood said...

My mom can twirl a baton and tapdance, but I don't know if she can do them at the same time. I bet your mom is a hoot to hang out with!

Big Hair Envy said...

CBW, your grass whistlin', baton twirlin', tap dancin', crab/skunk wranglin' Mumma is da bomb! Was it so bad that she wanted to do school projects for her children??

BTW - Does Lars like wine?

Sara said...

Your mumma's funny.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Howdy, everyone. Wow, I go off to work thinking I'd be lucky to return to one comment and come back not only to more than I anticipated, but also Bossy is in the bunch! Thanks to all of you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I will pass on your remarks to my mumma just as soon as I can pry her away from her tap dancing and baton twirling.

I'll have to ask her to go into a little more detail on this Lars character. Imagined or not, I'd like to hear how she'd describe him aside from being Swedish. It appears we have several inquiring minds that want to know.

Middle Sis - I'm pretty sure she DID get sprayed when she lifted the darn skunk up by the jelly jar. Poor Mrs. W. and her dangling cigarettes - she was hilarious. She recently passed away, unfortunately. What a great teacher. You wanted to skip a grade because of boys? At age 8.5? I guess the Lars-lovin' daughter doesn't fall far from the Lars-loving mumma.

Have a great evening, everyone. The rest of mumma's answers will go up tomorrow and then we'll move on to more fascinating topics, such as [crickets chirping]....I have no idea, but I'll try and come up with something.


foolery said...

Y'all can have Lars . . . more Giuseppe for me. Do you think he could handle the Foolery? ;)

tj said...'re thanking me? No, "thank you"! This was none other than priceless! :o) And girls, girls, girls, leave a lil' Lars for me ;o)

...Yeah, and I'm a lil' curious, well make that a lot curious, as to the Fortune Telling "in many positions"? There's positions in Fortune Telling? Inquiring minds wanna know... :o)

...And these two answers left me thinking "wow - that was deep":
5. Configure a black hole. If you fall “in” a black hole, where is the “in?” Probably glued to the side of a multi-dimensional solid figure.
6. See the future by training my attention to the subatomic level and riding a bison over the Einstein-Rosen Bridge to Always and Ever.***

...And CBW, you so underestimate the power of your blog. The last thing anyone would do is come here and fall asleep! Everytime I come here I always get that little extra laugh and spark to get me thru the day. You are a blessing my friend... :o)

...Blessings CBFamily...

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Foolery, No Lars? That's OK, since he seems to be in high demand, but the question still remains as to whether Giuseppe can handle the foolery, and I am not convinced he can as yet. How about Ricardo or Rico? They sound stronger. (Now I'm making myself laugh. All I see when I is that Rico Suave character from the 80's.)

tj - Never forget you are the reason for this blog, so many, many thanks are owed to you. Oh, and about that gypsy thing and whatever else she said? I can't address that because I will require therapy for years to come, and I just don't have the time for it. Denial is the best coping mechanism there is.

I didn't even understand that stuff about the black holes or riding the bison over some bridge, mostly because I couldn't focus due to twitching and flinching from reading some of the other answers.

She's definitely a free spirit.

Lars said...

I take appointments now ladies for to cut the grass, yes?

You have other job for me, we can negotiate a good price I hope.

See you soon, Lars Lundstrum.

Anonymous said...

Yep, she got sprayed. I can verify this. I remember walking into the bathroom as she was sauteeing herself in the bathtub, skunk clothes still in a pile in the floor....not a good smell..

Notice I said " walking into the bathroom AS SHE WAS..." , yep, that's right. I BARGED in on her while she was submerged in the tub, just as she has barged in on me SOOOO MANY times. No such thing as privacy in that compound. NONE. Locked doors?? No problem.
Baby Sis

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Baby Sis - I think we've just determined that she did get sprayed, because I remember her being in that bathtub too.

Also, the privacy in this compound is still non-existent. Almost every single day I end up screaming because one or the other parent is standing in my house when I did not hear them enter.

Horn Harbor Girl said...

This is my first visit to your site, a fellow high school friend told me about your site in the check out line in Food Lion :-} All I can say is WOW ! - when do you find the time to drive around & take all these pictures & go exploring in "my child hood stomping grounds"! I recognized the garage, I use to keep my horses further back on that property my parents bought. The Store picture, well I use to ride my bike to that old Post Office/Store to get the mail & yes I always saw fiddler crabs ha! Oh yea, does Lars have teeth ?
Please tell me how you find the time - my gosh ..........

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Hello, Horn Harbor Girl,

We learn so much at the Food Lion checkout, don't we? I'm glad you found us and I hope you will contribute to these silly posts of mine because most of the time I don't know what I"m talking about. It is always nice to have input from other people who are familiar with Mathews.

How do I find the time...fortunately for now I work part-time and have a couple of days off during the week. And I totally neglect my house and yard work. Also, I usually take my camera with me everywhere I go because you never know when you're going to see something worth photographing. I spend hours-way too much time--on this hobby of mine. I'm on it first thing in the morning and then again in the evenings.

Thanks for stopping by and please come back.

Tylluan Wen said...

I just discovered your site and this photo. This was my grandfather's and father's store at one time and also where Onemo Post Office used to be, of which my mother was postmaster for many years. It's a glorious photo!

Susan Downs Reed