Seven Things-Part One

This is an old store down Onemo. It was begging me to come closer and take a look inside, but I resisted the temptation. With my luck, someone would either shoot me or call the law, or a herd of fiddler crabs would come charging out.

My mother's mother ran a country store at what used to be Gloucester Day School, now Ware Academy. They also ran a store down at Flat Iron, next to where the blacksmith shop was.

Speaking of my mother, (see how I can use my ADD-like tendencies to segue way like that?) she has made yet another contribution to this blog.

A million years ago, tj from humbleorigins, tagged my mother (aka mumma) for that 7-thingie questionnaire that was floating around the internet. I’m presenting her answers in two parts because, believe it or not, I am aware that these posts tend to get way too lengthy and you all come here instead of taking Ambien to get some much-needed sleep.

Here’s Chesapeake Bay Woman’s Mother:
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Seven Things I Plan to Do Before I Die
1. Get this house straight.
2. Earn six figures a year at home in my spare time. (Note: Buy a gypsy outfit, a crystal ball, a deck of taro cards and a large neon sign saying, “FORTUNES SOLD HERE. ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT, IN MANY POSITIONS.) *
3. Deteriorate physically.
4. Deteriorate mentally.
5. Lose my teeth.
6. Hire a beautiful Swede named Lars to mow my grass and give me back rubs and anything else he might want. **
7. Have one last vacation with my girls and Husband. Antarctica sounds cool.

Seven Things I Can Do
1. Whistle by blowing into a blade of grass held between my thumbs.
2. Flex my arms until they look broken (double-jointed). ***
3. Touch poison oak without getting a rash.
4. Twirl a baton and tap dance simultaneously. OK, that was a long time ago.
5. Pick up a live crab with my bare hands. Sometimes.
6. Outrun Husband. I only let him catch me when I want to.
7. Pull a jelly jar off a skunk’s head without getting sprayed. I got witnesses.****

Seven Things I Cannot Do
1. Communicate with the dead.
2. Communicate with the living.
3. Read for literary value without truly being interested. Shoot me.
4. Picture multi-dimensional solid figures. Brain strain.
5. Configure a black hole. If you fall “in” a black hole, where is the “in?” Probably glued to the side of a multi-dimensional solid figure.
6. See the future by training my attention to the subatomic level and riding a bison over the Einstein-Rosen Bridge to Always and Ever.*****
7. Use witchcraft. It would be handy for housekeeping.

-Chesapeake Bay Woman's Mother
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Chesapeake Bay Woman’s Notes and Clarifications:

• *(shudder)I don't know what to say. So I'll say nothing.

• ** (shudder) But please send him over when he’s done with your yard, etc.

• ***I inherited this lovely trait. It’s always good to use at cocktail parties to break the ice, you know, contort yourself like some freak of nature.

• ****It’s funny, but if I were to have told the story about the skunk getting his head stuck in the jelly jar, I would have said she did get sprayed. I must be confusing stories, because she has definitely been sprayed trying to save a skunk from some perceived disaster. Head caught in jelly jar definitely counts as a legitimate disaster, I will say.

. ***** HUH?

That’s all for today, folks. More exciting answers tomorrow.

Thanks, t.j. for tagging CBM.