Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Party Planning 101

Welcome to a long overdue edition of Chesapeake Bay Woman's Guide to Home and Garden. Today we'll talk about the proper techniques for planning and preparing for a party.

Before we begin, I'd like to show you the official Blog Fest wine (above) which arrived from California last week. Ms. Foolery, a comic and creative genius, designed the logo and the label and hand-selected the incredibly tasty wine. Not that I've tasted it yet or anything.

And now on to today's lesson. Let's begin.

Lesson #1: The Interior of Your Home

a) Be sure to tidy up your home before the producers of that Hoarders show come calling your guests arrive. Now is the time to call 1-800-GOT JUNK? call the exterminator because nothing kills a festive mood more than indoor insects.

b) I would continue on with this lesson, but let's skip it for now because CBW hasn't really begun Lesson 1.

Lesson #2: The Exterior of Your Home
a) For summer parties be sure your yard is tidied up and your deck/patio/front porch area are free of dead animals clutter and debris.

For example, if an umbrella came crashing through a glass-topped patio table during a nor'easter approximately 10 months ago, and the glass shatters into a million shards, and those million shards are eventually swept into a red bin (below) that subsequently sits on the deck for ten months, so long that pine needles now obscure the contents of the bin, well, this would be an example of something to remove from your deck, assuming you have the biceps of Hercules since it only weighs three thousand pounds. Be careful not to disturb the nice hornet's nest conveniently located in the gas grill to the right.

Another example of a nightmare details to attend to would include any small trees growing through the lattice of your patio (below). That would be the lattice that is affixed, as opposed to the spare lattice which is casually tossed to the side of the charcoal grill. By the way, how does one chop down trees growing underneath a deck when all the accesses are blocked by lattice?
Anyone? Bueller?

Also, be sure to remove the rope lighting and extension cord tossed in the corner that have been there since the Carter administration. The charcoal bags and trash bags loaded with empty cat food cans must be removed in order to get the smell of cat food out of the entertaining area reduce the fly population.

If you happen to have a big bucket that was originally used as a compost "pit" by your children, and there's a bag of potatoes in it, along with a small family of gnomes some other junk, it's time to remove that from the hammock area, because your guests don't want to use the hammock only to be attacked by a family of potato-eating gnomes wonder why there's a bucket full of rotten potatoes at their feet.

If you have decking that has never been properly stained or treated, be sure to start the staining process way more than a week before your event, otherwise you could find yourself in a straight jacket behind schedule on your party preparations. Deck staining requires very strong sedatives a great deal of patience, especially those hateful balusters that make you want to scream, cry and then jump overboard with a cinderblock tied to your ankle move to a nice thatched hut on Bali.

Whatever you do, be sure to paint your deck on a day in February when the mercury is not supposed to reach 100 degrees in an igloo in the shade otherwise you run the risk of hallucinations involving low maintenance homes such as the nursing home which is where you'll be after the heat stroke heat stroke.

This concludes our first two lessons in how to properly prepare for a Blog Fest party. Tune in soon when we'll discuss Lesson One, Interior Cleaning Lesson 3: Outsourcing Your Life Maintenance Work On a Budget.

And yes, that last photo shows another example of my impatience with painting yet another tree growing through the lattice, underneath the steps leading to the back door. Before too long, the house will just lift off its foundation and I'll jump off and head to Bali change the name of this blog to CBW and the Beanstalk.

p.s. Blog Fest is still happening in spite of my lack of communication regarding agenda, activities, etc. If you are interested in attending, we are glad to have you. Please e-mail me at, and be sure to indicate whether you have the patience to paint balusters prefer the Beanstalk Suite or the hammock for accommodations.


Annie said...

Well, my solution to the glass in the heavy red container would be to

1.Dump more soil or potting mix on top, and plant a tree. Or a bush. Or a flower. carefully. Preferably with a small garden trowel, and gardening gloves. If you have them. Or can find them.


2. just get a strong plastic bag, and trowel, and trowel as much glass into bag...and put it straight into the rubbish, this time! Then go to step 1. Not as dangerous this time.

Wish I were there to help!

Postcard Cindy said...

Now that I am retired and trying to get back on west coast time I should not check your blog before I try to go to sleep. It is hard to go to sleep when you are laughing your head off! Have a blast, and I know it isn't nearly as bad as you make it sound. Hope to be there next year, since I am retired I could come early and help.

Postcard Cindy

foolery said...

Bobbing for Glass Shards? Enough wine and this could be an option (although there is no such thing as "enough wine").

CHILL, Cheeky. We simply Do. Not. Care. : )

foolery said...

Also, forgot to mention . . . was reading your post aloud to Gubby over the phone and laughing out loud. Seriously bringing the funny, Ms. CBW.

Anonymous said...

Less writing more work!

Ann Marie said...

Here is my blog fest planning...

show up on Thursday with food and wine in hand... the end.

Planning is for sissies...

We had a tree growing in our boat.. not the one you ladies are going out on.. mine. Unless of course anyone wants to get to New Point Island and see what all the fuss is about.. then I will have to take you in my boat.. which doesn't have a tree anymore.

That may be a good idea... we will see how it is maybe I will take some in my boat...

We will see...

the other thing I can do is.. ask
What do you need ME TO DO..

ok that about covers it for my planning abilities.

Country Girl said...

Foolery's correct. We simply do not care. Please don't stain the deck on our account.

But if you could get rid of the wasps, that would be nice.

xoxo (cannot wait!!!)

Diane said...

Foolery is always correct. In this case, Kate is too.

We simply do not care. We just want to see you... and not your wasps. And if you could move the rotting potatos down wind, that would be awesome. Now, that you're done, pour yourself some wine and dream happy thoughts! Blogfest is supposed to be fun, not work!


Mental P Mama said...

I want everybody to know that CBW's home and grounds are heaven on earth. Now sit down and stop fussin'...we love you and your house just as you are!

big hair envy said...

Things will be just perfect...they always are;)

mom x 2 said...

My prediction is this.... It. Will. Be. Wonderful! As all of the blisters have indicated... we just don't care :)

Looking forward to seeing everyone!

wv: catic- Worrying about silly things like planning a party can make one "catic"tonic. So be worry free :)

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

My 40 year old camper is ready to roll! I can be there in 75 minutes or so! It's going to be "too much fun" AGAIN!

Anonymous said...

I took care of RE's tree!!!

Anonymous said...

that would be Kitty Litter


Daryl said...

No one gives a flying or standing fig about your house ... the stinging flying critters .. those would be good to be gone, someone, an old broad with silver hair is highly allergic to stings....... but not to Sting, if he's there I am so not wanting him gone.

WV defluch ... that's about how much we care .. we dont give a defluch how the deck looks

Jamie said...

Due to some family drama (we do know how to put the FUN in dysfunctional) I very nearly wasn't able to be at blogfest. Please don't cry, looks like I managed to get other plans in place and barring my sister adding more drama by not keeping the kids, I will be there.

CBW, I use my children (at least the oldest) for such household work.

Mrs F with 4 said...

I wouldn't care about ANY of that, if I could just be there. HOWEVER, I am still beyond the back of beyond with far too many chickens and an every increasing number of sodding sheep. Well, except for the few that we took to the mart yesterday. I may never be the same again....

Having finshed gathering, moved swiftly onto drenching via a brief stop at dipping, I have now arrived at shearing. And when I finally fall exhausted into bed tonight, I will NOT be counting sheep, I will be having sweet dreams of lamb chops. And having been seriously pecked by Pipi le Coq (Mother's evil rooster) this evening, I was tempted to leave him out for the foxes.

Yes, Mrs F is on vacation. Can you tell?

Anonymous said...

Ya know,
...a decent pool-boy probably knows which end of a paint brush works best and can (using the same logic) in a pinch (with lots of nagging as motivation), put that knowledge to use with a broom.

Not sure if ya want to find out what a GOOD pool-boy knows:)


Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

So, that dead mouse on the front porch is gone now? To me, that's the only thing you'd really have to take care of. Give us enough wine and we'll fail to notice details such as pesky trees peeking out from beneath the deck.