Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Bubbas

I wish to preface this by saying that I love Bubbas. And may no Bubbas be harmed in the making of this post.

Bubbas make the world--OK, just Mathews--go 'round. If not for Bubbas, there'd be no distinction between a true From Here Mathews County male, and any other random male. OK, so that's not true either. Just know this: I do not intend to disparage anyone--bubbas, friends of bubbas, wives of bubbas and--MOST importantly MUMMAS of bubbas. This is merely a caricature or stereotype of the "typical Bubba."

And if I know anything, it's that there ain't nothin' typical about nary a Bubba. Or as a Bubba would say, "Oh dahln, we's as right as rain and ain't nare one of us right." (Where the second "right" in that equation had to do with mental rightness, as in they're all crazy. And the word "nare" is not a typo, but how they pronounce nary, by dropping off the "y". But I swear I'm not trying to disparage anyone. Swear. Do you notice how quickly I can lapse into Mathews Talk here? It's neat being able to speak two languages.)

I asked for some guest input on this post because I didn't want to sit here all righteous and proclaim that I knew everything there was to know about Bubbas.

Guest Contributor Karen had this to say about Bubbas, and she is an expert, because she's a Come Here, married to a From Here, and in her line of work she caters to Bubbas and all their kinfolk.
(Yes, I am speaking another language. Do not adjust your tuners. It's a syndrome called LIVED IN MATHEWS WAY TOO LONG).

Here are Karen's astute observations:

#1. A bubba always has a nickname, usually diametrically opposed to his appearance (i.e. "Slim"). When he dies, this nickname will be prominently displayed in his obituary and perhaps on his tombstone. None of his friends will know his true name.

#2. The offspring of Bubbas, male version, always have names ending in "y". Jimmy, Ricky, Bobby, etc. They will be known as "Slim's boy Ricky".

#3. The offspring of Bubbas, female version, will be named after a beloved woman in the Bubba's life, usually his momma. They will therefore have names much older than they are.

#4. A bubba has an odd number of teeth.

#5. Fine dining means going to Hardee's instead of Little Sue. (Editor's Note: Little Sue = convenience store, and Hardees is just plain WRONG but we're in Mathews and it is the only fast-food chain we got. Have. Whatever.)

Thanks to Karen for that very descriptive input. As a side note, Karen's real line of work should be stand-up comedienne. She just doesn't have time what with her day job and all. But if anyone's looking for a killer of a comedienne, she's the lady.

Here is the opinion of one of my sisters, let's just call her Sunshine (since everyone else in high school did):

Physical Description: Pumpkin on stilts (Blog Author interrupts Sunshine's description to say, "Hellooooo, I resemble this remark and I am NOT a Bubba. We now return to Sunshine's description, with no more interruptions). Sometimes they look like a Watermelon on bow-legged stilts*. Eye color is usually alien blue with more red than white outside the pupil. Cowboy boots, huge belt buckle. Sunspots. Large bags under the eyes. Hair is anything from Charlie Brown sprigs (always covered up by a baseball cap) to complete redneck plumage resembling mullet, skullet,** or mud flap.

*Bow-legged stilts evolved from many centuries of doing "The Mathews Shuffle" (This is how all bubbas dance, and they usually snap while doing the dance; it's simply a shifting of the body from right to left while the inside heel clicks inside of other heel.)

A Bubba's favorite phrase is (Editor's Note: profane language to follow) "goddamnbubba" or " cooooooootdaaaaaaaayyyy" (where coot == good and where that phrase is really an abbreviation for GOOD DAY IN THE MORNIN'.)

** Blog Author's Question Back to Sunshine: WHAT THE HECK IS A SKULLET?? Can you fry bacon in it?

O.K. Hopefully you now have some idea of what a Bubba is. A Bubba is also the salt of the Earth, the best friend you could ever have, someone who will do anything for you (unless the Nascar race is on), and who hopefully will stick around here for a while. They've got lots of stories to tell, and (insert Bubba accent starting now) lemme tell ya summpmm dahlin,' you're just as perty as uh pickshuh an' I don't know much, but I know them Bubbas is as straight as an arrow and as serious as a heart attack.

6 comments:

foolery said...

Ha ha ha ha ha -- oh my dear Cheeky Woman, the three of you have just described 1/3 of the male population of California's Great North Valley, and probably of the entire (noncoastal) United States! That was great. And yes, they have more in common with Bubbas of other states -- red, blue and pink states -- than they do with urban Metrosexuals from the next county over.

Thanks for making our world just a leeetle bit smaller today. Love it!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Foolery! I did this one just for you.

-Cheeky

p.s. I have a feeling after my other "reader" checks my e-mail request for input on the topic, I will be doing a Series B on Bubbas....stay tuned.

THANK YOU.

kaffy said...

Too funny! Is a Bubba only a dude? What's the female equivalent...a Bubbette? Run down a description of her when you get a chance.

tj said...

...Yeah, Bubba is right up there with "Larry and his brother Darrel and his other brother Darrel"...lol

...We have a fellow here in town that drives a ol' Chevy 4x4 truck with the confederate flag flyin' off the bed of the truck, he's always decked out in camo and has Dale Jr. stickers all of the back window and I call him, "Bubba"... I'll tell my husband, "oh look, there's Bubba" (and I've never met the guy and have no idea who he is)...but by gosh, he looks like a Bubba! lol... ;o)

...This is great Miss CBW! You rock my dear friend - absolutely ROCK! lol... ;o)

...I'm so glad you're here - you always make my day!

...Thanks for the laughs!

...Blessings Miss Bubba...

soupisnotafingerfood said...

Whew, that confused me. I thought you were talking about Central PA (aka Pennsyltucky). I know from Bubbas, at least the CenPenn brand. In fact, I am OF the Bubbas. In CenPenn, the dialect includes You'uns (as in, y'all), and if you're in Western PA, it's pronounced yi'ins. Like in, did yi'ins guys eat dinner yet?

As Foolery suggests in her comment, it's strangely comforting to know that folks are the same all over the place. Thanks for articulating that in your post.

Anonymous said...

cbw
I agree with the Dr. with most true bubbas, you don't actually know their real name. They usually drive big 4-wheel drive trucks with the confederate flag on the back. Their truck has mud all over it. I like what tj said about the camo. We have that here to plus the orange hats and vests when bubbas go hunting. Let's also add that they have at least one shotgun hanging on a gun rack in the back of their truck at all times. They drink wild turkey or busch beer. They call their wife 'my old lady.' I also think that bubbas could also be called rednecks. Refer to Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck If... I think you will find these things are true for bubbas also.
It's been fun.
Hope you like this blog, cbw