Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Stunts and Tumbling: Tractor Acrobatics

Believe it or not, grass cutting season starts as early as February in Mathews and ends exactly on this date: NEVER. Because Mathews grass grows like the Amazon Jungle on Steroids, a tractor is essential to keep it--and one's sanity-- reasonably in check. Reasonably, I said.

Because folks spend an average of 36 hours per DAY on the tractor, the chances of a mishap increase. Exponentially.

Below are but a few Tractor Mishaps from past cutting seasons.

1. Father, cutting a steep embankment, flips tractor over into creek. Where creek = large body of water equivalent to the Potomac River, and where Father sees life flash before his eyes (and winces).

2. Mother, Age 60-something, riding a "fixer upper" that my Father had re-engineered (using Legos and Tinker Toy parts), loses complete control when mower does not respond to brake, clutch, gas, emergency brake, or prayers to God. Mother decides to ram tractor into huge cedar tree to get it to stop. Tractor decides the fun is not even close to over and, upon slamming into tree, goes into REVERSE and even more out of control. Mother sees impending death when tractor, now going 35 miles per hour in reverse, picks up speed and begins heading towards clothes line AND car. Mother dives off tractor. Tractor runs over top of her. Mother gets up bruised, battered and shaken but thankfully ALIVE to tell the story...regrettably to her gynecologist the next day at her regularly scheduled appointment. Because the mower deck managed to impart a bruise the size of Texas right near where the doctor was checking.

I am not making any of this up. But I do need my blankie and binkie. Preferably in a place far, far away....

3. Father's Friend, approximately 60-something years old, has a few drinks and decides to take his tractor for a spin around his back yard (there's not a lot to do around here). Determines that tractor can definitely make it over a very narrow bridge going over a ditch. Tractor does not live up to Father's Friend's (impaired) judgment. Tractor starts turning over into ditch, Father's Friend somehow does a COMPLETE flip off tractor.

Judges give him a perfect 10.

These are but three of several hundred tractor stories. I would write more, except I've got to get back to the Amazon Jungle. On my John Deere, wearing knee and elbow pads and a safety helmet.

Say a prayer.


Kaffy said...

You can't top the story about your mom's tractor fiasco. Where's the video camera when you need it? Imagine all the hits on Youtube! She'd be a star. I hope during her adventure she didn't hit any of her beloved geese... or maybe the tractor caught a wheel on some goose crap and that's what started the whole thing! Squawk!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Kaffy, telling my mother's tractor story alone could turn into an entire book, the details are so many and varied. There is actually more to the story which involved my father, but I'll save that for another day.

No animals have been harmed in the making of these tractor stories. Egos, yes, but animals no!