Sunday, April 6, 2008

Musically Disabled

On some cellular level, I was intended to be musical, I just know it.

I love music, I love singing, and I watch Dancing With Stars in absolute awe and envy. I’ll spell out the clear-cut evidence as to why I should be musically gifted, but in the meantime, my cellular-level musical desires are entirely squashed out by Reality.

In other words, I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the facts of my musically gifted ancestry:

1. My grandmother played the piano for silent movies. For those younsters who think a silent movie involves a malfunctioning audio system, a long time ago folks went to the theater to see a motion picture with no sound; someone sitting in the theater played the piano, live, to accompany the film. (The fact that someone within a generation or two of me played piano for silent movies is more disturbing than discovering hair growing out of my earlobes. Pardon me while I take ten to sob uncontrollably and consider which assisted living community I'll need to move into next week.)

2. My mother not only played the piano well, but she sang in a musical group called the Bobby Soxtet (a very clever name, assuming you’re old enough to know what bobby socks are. If not, excuse me while I go pluck the gray hairs from my scalp and put the assisted living community's number on my speed dial.) This group sang, with much acclaim, on a local radio station.

3. My father played the drums in several bands, one of which, the Dynatones, recorded an LP and played up and down the East Coast in the 1950’s. He also played in a country-western band that somtimes grew a wild hair and dabbled in disco. For those of you unfamiliar with disco, or LP's, this is the equivalent of saying that THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS AGING AT WARP SPEED AND NEEDS TO GO LIE DOWN BEFORE SHE HAS A FULL-BLOWN MID-LIFE CRISIS with a side order of UTTER AND COMPLETE MELTDOWN.

4. As stated elsewhere on this boring blog, Wayne Newton zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …..ooops! Wake up! Yes, yet another Wayne Newton reference, but you can get through it…..is somehow related to me on my mother’s side. Although this is not something we generally brag about (even though I mention it incessantly here,) it does prove that somewhere in my family tree there is someone who has earned fame, infamy and notoriety in the musical world. Nevermind that it's a world of lounge singers, tawdry venues and cheap buffet eateries.

And now I present the plain, simple truths of my musical gifts and talents:

1. As much as I like to think I can sing, I can’t.
2. As much as I want to be able to dance, I can’t.
3. The extent of my piano repertoire is as follows: Chopsticks and The Entertainer.

The juxtaposition of my ardent desire to perform, my first-hand knowledge of relatives who have been successful musicians and singers, the harsh, cold reality of my sad, sad karaoke voice, and the absolute lack of rhythm create much inner turmoil. (Along with sounds of agony from my family, as I belt out the Song Du Jour very, very badly while dancing like a stork with its beak stuck in an electrical socket.)

I really do hope the Assisted Living Community has karaoke, though.

8 comments:

Laura said...

I love the Chesapeake Area, and I have been in Maryland- or around it all my life...I don't know if that is pathetic or not- but so be it. I love my Maryland.

I don't know if you are kidding about the picture thing and not being able to post them but I have huge compassion for that type of thing since I am pretty much self taught with all of this stuff.

The easiest way to post a photo.
a)Download it in your computer/in your "pictures" file if you have one.
b)Go to the picture icon at the top of the post frame as you are creating a post. Write the post first. Then, click the picture icon.
c)click "center" then the size of photo you want.
d)click browse
e)this clicking of browse should take you to the downloaded pictures on your computer.
f)click on the one you want
g)the url for that photo will be transported to the browse window
h) click "upload"
i)wait for the "done" sign to appear
j)sometime this can take many minutes
k)click the done sign when it appears and this should be it.

I hope this helps, and I apologize for being so pushy with this....especially if you were kidding.

Good luck...I'll be checking in to learn more about Mathews.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Hello, Laura! No, I am NOT kidding!! The first problem is I have dial-up internet service, which is not atypical in Mathews. But the second thing is I can't read directions to save my life. But I will definitely try and follow yours - they seem much more user-friendly than any other I've read!

My husband has family in Maryland, they live in Edgewood near the Busch (or is it Bush?) River.

Thanks for stopping by and most of all thanks for the directions!!

Kaffy said...

Chopstix and "Heart and Soul" are my specialties. My musical talents are limitless as long as you don't turn off the CD while I'm singing and playing my air guitar...it is an assault to the senses. I actually have to lip sync even when I sing happy birthday. My mother, too, had a beautiful singing voice. She also is an artist. Guess that gene pool was bone dry when I was formed!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Kaffy, I forgot about Heart and Soul! I can play that one with my eyes closed, but could not remember the name of the song (early on-set Alzheimers = For Sure Assisted Living).

tj said...

...Oh hold off on the assisted living thing, I'm sure that musical talent is in there somewhere! You just haven't tapped into yet! ;o)

...Or on the other hand, you could always play chopsticks on the piano during recreational hour at the assisted living place! ha,HA! ;o)

...You're a HOOT Chesapeake Bay Woman! An absolute HOOT - God love ya girl! lol... :o)

...Blessings...

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Thanks Kaffy and tj for visiting and commenting! This is a rare treat for there to be THREE comments NOT made by me!

foolery said...

Hi Miss Chesapeake!

So glad to see you have a blog. I've appreciated your hilarious comments on Bossy for a long time now, but I thought you didn't have a blog link. I have already bookmarked you, and I loved this post.

Thanks for commenting today! You are always welcome at Foolery.

-- Laurie

p.s. I am two generations from a barnstormer. I know what you mean.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Foolery, I am honored to have you here. For my other reader (the ONE other reader), Foolery leaves some of the BEST comments over at my favorite blog www.iambossy.com. (Linking to that would require a well-oiled mind. If you find one, let me know.)

Thanks for visiting Laurie!! I am honored to have you here.