Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Taxes and Death
This is from Commenter Breezeway's lovely Gwynn's Island cottage. If I lived there I would never leave home, not even for groceries. Oh, I suppose I'd have to venture out at some point to file income taxes every year, which is what this post is about. Arguably.
Before I forget, I'd like to say that Goose Naming Deliberations are not yet complete. Due to my hectic work and sports schedule this week, I may not be able to consult with Chesapeake Bay Mother until Thursday or Friday. But I promise I'll announce something--even if it's wrong--by Friday.
Now, let's turn to today.
Today is Tuesday, but not just any Tuesday. It's the Tuesday before taxes are due, also known as a procrastinator's worst nightmare.
To test your knowledge of exactly how the tax filing process works, and to provide a dawdling exercise for those who still have not filed, let's take this brief quiz.
Please put away all notes, don your thinking caps, furrow your brow and lick the tip of your pencil. Then recoil and spit quickly because lead is not something you want to ingest.
1. Which of the following statements is true?
a) The only two things that are certain are taxes and death.
b) The only thing worse than taxes is death.
2. The best time to learn how to do your own taxes is:
a) As early in life as possible, it's really not that difficult.
3. Which of the following is more qualified than Chesapeake Bay Woman to handle tax filing, checkbook balancing, bill paying and/or anything else having to do with numbers, details, facts and figures, and most importantly discipline?
a) A CPA
b) A chimpanzee
4. Assuming you have the attention span and accounting abilities of a small kitchen appliance, when is the best time to drop off tax paperwork to your accountant?
a) Around February, by which time you should have received your W2's and all other year-end statements and required information. This also helps the accountant by giving her ample time to place careful thought into your income tax filing.
b) Two to three days before taxes are due, however you have to wait until your accountant leaves for lunch or goes to the bathroom. This requires several hours of heavy surveillance on your part to ascertain precisely when she will not be in the office. Ideally the receptionist is also on the phone and therefore distracted. Sneak into the office, drop your paperwork on her desk and run. Run very fast.
5. Besides incarceration, what are your options if you wait until the last minute and not even a CPA can bail you out by April 15th?
a) File for an extension.
b) Peruse the internet for jobs and rental properties in Bora Bora. Research the process for securing a passport, since yours expired back in the 10th grade and you never renewed it. Wonder how quickly it will take to procure airline tickets and a flight out, paying particular attention to those departing on or before April 15th.
Answers: You already know the answers. If you don't hear from me for a while, I'll sign on again once I arrive in Bora Bora.
Chesapeake Bay Woman