Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Taxes and Death



This is from Commenter Breezeway's lovely Gwynn's Island cottage. If I lived there I would never leave home, not even for groceries. Oh, I suppose I'd have to venture out at some point to file income taxes every year, which is what this post is about. Arguably.

Before I forget, I'd like to say that Goose Naming Deliberations are not yet complete. Due to my hectic work and sports schedule this week, I may not be able to consult with Chesapeake Bay Mother until Thursday or Friday. But I promise I'll announce something--even if it's wrong--by Friday.

Now, let's turn to today.

Today is Tuesday, but not just any Tuesday. It's the Tuesday before taxes are due, also known as a procrastinator's worst nightmare.

To test your knowledge of exactly how the tax filing process works, and to provide a dawdling exercise for those who still have not filed, let's take this brief quiz.

Please put away all notes, don your thinking caps, furrow your brow and lick the tip of your pencil. Then recoil and spit quickly because lead is not something you want to ingest.

Ready? Begin.

1. Which of the following statements is true?
a) The only two things that are certain are taxes and death.
b) The only thing worse than taxes is death.

2. The best time to learn how to do your own taxes is:
a) As early in life as possible, it's really not that difficult.
b) Never.

3. Which of the following is more qualified than Chesapeake Bay Woman to handle tax filing, checkbook balancing, bill paying and/or anything else having to do with numbers, details, facts and figures, and most importantly discipline?
a) A CPA
b) A chimpanzee

4. Assuming you have the attention span and accounting abilities of a small kitchen appliance, when is the best time to drop off tax paperwork to your accountant?
a) Around February, by which time you should have received your W2's and all other year-end statements and required information. This also helps the accountant by giving her ample time to place careful thought into your income tax filing.
b) Two to three days before taxes are due, however you have to wait until your accountant leaves for lunch or goes to the bathroom. This requires several hours of heavy surveillance on your part to ascertain precisely when she will not be in the office. Ideally the receptionist is also on the phone and therefore distracted. Sneak into the office, drop your paperwork on her desk and run. Run very fast.

5. Besides incarceration, what are your options if you wait until the last minute and not even a CPA can bail you out by April 15th?
a) File for an extension.
b) Peruse the internet for jobs and rental properties in Bora Bora. Research the process for securing a passport, since yours expired back in the 10th grade and you never renewed it. Wonder how quickly it will take to procure airline tickets and a flight out, paying particular attention to those departing on or before April 15th.

Answers: You already know the answers. If you don't hear from me for a while, I'll sign on again once I arrive in Bora Bora.

Love,
Chesapeake Bay Woman

13 comments:

Grandma J said...

That's perfect! We're having the blogfest in Bora Bora next year! Looks like you are in charge again. I mean it's not like you're busy doing your taxes or anything.

recipes for the life-chaitra said...

Ha ha ha...this will be THE most humorous post ever!!I was ROFL!

Filing for the taxes is a 'taxing' job.So all the best.

If not happy journey to BORA BORA

(cant stop grinning)love
chaitra

Auds at Barking Mad said...

Awesome pre-tax day advice!

Of course, I flunked the quiz. But then I am so stupid when it comes to taxes that I had to hire someone to do ours. This is the first year we've had them done and dusted before April 15th. We were filed by Feb 5th. I feel like I should be running around in a nervous panic over taxes, having a total breakdown over missing paperwork.

I'm assuming you'll have the Bloggerfest site for next years Bora Bora retreat up and running soon?

Caution Flag said...

I still can't figure out why we fret over our taxes when we could just be government officials and simply not file.

Icey said...

I'm right there with you. While i purchased turbotax back in Jan when i got the coupon from Costco, it was not actually installed until yesterday. At least I tend to work well under pressure (or so i keep telling myself ...)

big hair envy said...

My passport is up to date. What time is our flight?

Mental P Mama said...

For the first time in years, mine are done and e-filed. I know, I am a nerd. But my accountant told me I wouldn't do well in prison, and I actually listened to her this year. Good luck;)

foolery said...

How about something closer -- something you could swim to -- like Cuba? You speak the language, and there will soon be lots of room at Guantanamo Bay for the 2010 BlogFest. I'll make t-shirts, you make Cuba Libres.

Of course, we'll have to find out whether we should pepper our speech with a whole lot of Fidels, or never speak his name, ever. I suspect it's one or the other.

I'll be right there.

Daryl said...

We came thisclose to having to file an extension.... I wont say whose fault it is but I did TOON it a week ago ...

mmm said...

I've been told that you can cheat on your taxes and that you may not get caught. Can't say that about death.

Do any of your questions have more than one right answer?

Anonymous said...

To: CBW

RE: ZTM (zero turn mower)

Seatbelt??

If you encountered a stump at full speed, you might fly off and die, because the dang thing goes FAST.

However, the hand levers control the speed, so if you hit something and stopped pulling back on the hand levers, theoretically it would slow down (if not come to a screeching halt -- which could be just as bad).

An aside: before I got the seat adjusted I took a couple of turns around the yard with my feet hanging off the front, because my knees were too tall to get the thing up to speed. Quite a picture....

RE: IRSa

I recommend an EXTENSION!!

Best,
AMN

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

I filed an extension even though I'm far enough along in my taxes to know we're getting a sizeable refund. Just didn't have - or couldn't make - time to finish the damn thing and file it. My middle name is Pathetic.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Thanks to all of you for commenting. Once again i am severely pressed for time and cannot spend the time necessary to respond properly here, but at a high level:

Yes, Bora Bora for next year's Blog Fest with a pit stop in Cuba where we may or may not utter the word Fidel.

Yes, I filed an extension, which I absolutely hate doing and it goes against all my principles but things were out of my control and I was relying on other people for information and blah blah blah extension.

Regarding the zero turn lawn mower, that sounds like a death trap to me although I an intrigued at the prospect of high speed. Have you ever seen the teacups ride at Disney World? Where people are being flung from one end to another, hair flying, mouths wide open, screaming and getting dizzy? That'd be me on a zero turn lawn mower.

Goose news (not to be confused with good news, at all) will be forthcoming...tomorrow in fact.

Chespeake Bay Mother has written a brief response, which also responds to comments made by Grandma J. and TJ on the original contest post, so read up and then come back here tomorrow to see what she has to say.

Hope your Tuesday does not cause the high blood pressure it's causing me.