Thursday, November 6, 2008


I took this picture a week or so ago just below the courthouse near the nursing home. I was mesmerized by this red building and then fell in love with the trees and then noticed how soft and green the grass was even though it is fall, and then I saw a No Trespassing sign. The End.

Is the moon full tonight (I'm writing this Wednesday night)? Did I walk underneath a stepladder? Did I forget to toss salt over my shoulder after I knocked the shaker over? Did a black cat cross my path?

How would you explain the following, then?

1. It's been raining for four weeks straight. Or so it seems. Surely at least three.

2. Work, aka The Paying Job, is trying to put me in an early grave.

3. On the way home from The Paying Job, driving in Day 450 of cold wind and rain, I come upon traffic that's at a standstill. Normally, my 50-mile-one-way commute is smooth sailing.

4. Where does Chesapeake Bay Woman stop, at a dead standstill, unable to move and trapped? At the very top, the pinnacle, the apex of the Coleman Bridge, which is only the highest bridge this side of the Golden Gate. I have nightmares about this bridge where one minute I'm driving on it, the next I'm sailing down into the water. So here I am stopped for the longest 10 minutes that ever felt like 3 weeks right smack dab on top of the darn thing and RIGHT ON TOP OF THE GRATING. Naturally the wind was blowing and HELLO? Can someone please explain to me how and why a concrete and steel structure can be blown back and forth by wind? Can this really be safe? So, between wondering if the bridge keeper was going to sprout a wild hair and press a button so that the grating would open up and I'd plummet to my death; or that someone was getting ready to blow the bridge up (because that's what they do around here, you know, they try and trap you on a bridge and then blow you to smithereens); or that the wind was going to jolt me just hard enough to send me careening over the edge; but mostly that I was going to fall through that grating that looks about as sturdy as chicken wire, well let's just say that I had a bit of a self-inflicted situation that only worsened the longer I was trapped there.

5. After I survived my near-death experience on top of the Coleman Bridge, I received a call from Chesapeake Bay Daughter announcing she isn't feeling well and may be suffering a relapse. Of strep throat.

6. I have nothing on hand for dinner.

7. I open the cupboard up and just stand there, staring aimlessly at the 14 bags of year-old pasta; the 24 cans of tuna (expiration date circa 2007); and the 16 boxes of .99-cent Moist Deluxe Classic Yellow Cake Mix that I will never use but could not afford to pass up when on sale, yes, as I'm staring at these treasures out flies a moth.




Surely the Earth has not one, but two moons and they're both full tonight.

How was your day?


Grandma J said...

Oh the moth thing! I had that so bad once...didn't realize they were related to the weird bugs that were in my grain products....that I discovered when I was almost done eating a bowl of cheerios. By almost done, I mean tipping the bowl up to my mouth to drink the milk (yes, I used to do that eh hem) only to see these bugs floating in the milk. How many had I ingested?
Since that day, when I discarded anything not in a jar or can, all open containers are in my fridge. I keep bread in the fridge, cereal,flour, rice. I'm paranoid and pathetic.

Did I answer anything? I can't remember.

Bear Naked said...

Why not ask Chesapeake Bay MOTHer what she would do?
Until then hide all your sweaters.

Bear((( )))

Mental P Mama said...

I hate it when the moths invade. And when I have to, um, use the facilities sitting in traffic. And when playing hide-n-seek. Why is that?

bighair envy said...

I hate that bridge! Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Did you ever have to ride across it in a school bus?? THAT was the WORST!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Well, the luck continues.

Today the dog threw up in the garage. Twice.

GJ - I've had them before but pressed my luck and started storing things not in a jar or can back in the cupboard. This is my reward. I've heard, though, that insects are protein, so your Cheerios were extra-fortified.

BN - These are those nasty, pesky, insidious pantry moths that get in your flour and most anything that comes in a box. They are EVIL and they will soon take over your kitchen if you don't watch out. If they did the dishes and cooked, I wouldn't mind so much.

MPM - Me too. Or when you're at a soccer game and there are 29 people waiting to use one very nasty porta-potty. For example.

BHE - YES. We'd have to go across that thing on a bus when going to Charles City or Surry. And that was back before they widened it. Good times!

Icey said...

Do not make fun of yourself or people that stock up on things on sale. Kennys birthday was yesterday - 10 years old incredible to me! Anyway on Tuesday night at 7pm he asked me what kind of cupcakes i was bringing to school on Wed. Lucky for me I stocked up on 99 cent yellow cake mix. That was probably several years ago, but i used eggs that were only a few weeks old. And that's beside the point - the point is I was READY for a birthday emergency and so are you. Unfortunately i am unable to come up with a tuna fish emergency scenario for you. (And I have about 10 cans myself)

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Icey - Happy B-Day to Kenny. Those were the quickest 10 years in history.

You and I have always had similar shopping and cleaning philosophies, which is why you could barely open the door to our bedroom in college....clutter, clutter, and more clutter.

Is there a support group for Clutterholics?

Icey said...

And more along the same themes of bad days and packrats - we took the family out to dinner last night to celebrate Kenny's bday (not because I was too busy at work and then at the mall buying gift to make a gourmet meal) At the restaurant Christina summoned me to the bathroom because she had a touch of the common you know what and had an accident. I told her it was ok to go commando and we discarded the underwear. After a few more rounds at home, her butt hurt. Lucky for me, i don't throw things out. Just because she was potty trained 5 years ago is no reason to discard a half full tube of balmex - you just never know when a guest will show up with diaper rash ... Sore butt emergency also solved due to lack of ability to throw anything away. I did draw the line at applying the rash cream - some things do need to stay in the past :)

Anonymous said...

My pulse quickened and my breathing became shallow at the very thought of being perched at the top of a bridge like that. SRSLY. I have a recurring nightmare that I won't share because it's butt-scary but it involves a bridge that just... ends.

If you have onion, lemons, olive oil and parsley on hand, you can whip up a nice pasta topping using that tuna. I don't think pasta expires, nor canned tuna. Those dates are a conspiracy to make us buy more food. I'm all about the date stamp on milk or lunchmeat, but think it's merely a suggestion on shelf-stable items.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Icey, it's true. You just never know when a guest is going to arrive at a dinner party with diaper rash. Just like the reason why I save bags full of mis-matched socks, most of which are from when the kids were under 3 years old. You never know when somebody will turn up at your door with only one sock and a foot the size of a toddler. I'll be ready for them when they do.

soup - I agree about the Expiration Date Conspiracy. Since when does water expire? Spam? Twinkies? These things have preservatives more powerful than embalming fluid. And thanks for the tip on the tuna....I was just going to give it to the million cats running around here.

Rebeckah said...

SO FUNNY! I am glad that you didn't fall into the water off the bridge. I would also like to know how steel and cement move! That is very interesting indeed! Moths scare me a lot. VERY creepy!

Anonymous said...

hhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa!! I think this happened to Chesapeake Bay Mother and I a looooong time ago. Only she had to use the bathroom. Bad. And I don't mean #1!

I've had that same dream a million times. Also, I daydream while I'm driving that my car is just gonna split in half. I will go one way with the back seat driver's side of the car, and the passenger side and back seat will go the other way, or off the bridge if I happen to be on one. Does that make you feel less crazy??
Baby Sis

Anonymous said...

Oh gross, I just read grandma j's comment. EWWWWWW.

If you want that tuna recipe, email me offline. I'll be happy to share. Of course you really do need a lemon and half an onion to make it work.

TUNA: It's not just for sandwiches anymore.

Annie said...

It is just soo great to read about others who have infestations! Not to mention clutter!

I am a little worried about my books...they all (and there are many many zillions) seem to be't tell anyone...silverfish...I won't know whether to take them with me or not when I leave (if I ever get around to leaving)...the books that is, not the silverfish...I know they'll come along for the ride anyway!

So far the moths have stayed away, maybe that is becos I keep that stuff in the fridge..been caught before..but I am getting slack again...mmm...not to mention cockroaches...haven't seen any (large ones) lately thank goodness. No-one will ever want to visit me or Australia anymore.

Oh and would anyone like an officially protected scrub turkey...complete with nest..and probably eggs...preferably before before they hatch?


Auds at Barking Mad said...

My daughter and her roommate discovered moths had gotten into their "stash" of goodies in their dorm room and my daughter emailed me and said; "No biggie, it's extra protein!" So that probably explains why she's been home twice in the last two weeks, begging me to cook something.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Rebeckah - Thank you. I've been to see your pictures several times today and still think the little "girl" is the cutest...

Baby Sis - Who said anything about crazy?

Soup - I'll see Grandma J. and raise her. 4 bugs. And a fly.

Oh, annie - please set your worries aside. I have silverfish, rockfish, spiders swinging from the chandaliers, ants that tell ME what to do, and so many other infestations it isn't even funny...and yes the icebox/fridge is the one place to keep all that away. At least in theory.

Auds, for sure it's extra protein. I've always subscribed to that. Between the protein and the dirt I should live to a ripe old age.

Except for the insects.

Now that I'm post-40 it triggers a series of events that are not even close to being healthy and which includes lots of swatting, an overdose of cussin', some hissin', spittin' and stompin', and a side dose of high steppin'.

Anonymous said...

... with an extra helping of dropped ending G's.

Anonymous said...

Crazy is the underlying theme here isn't it?? I mean, that's why you write a blog, because your'e NUTS!
Baby Sis

Annie said...

Ah, it is so nice to LAUGH OUT funny you all are!!