Virginia’s State Fair has been a yearly ritual since 1854, when a group of people decided to create a permanent location for the fair which they envisioned as a place for family fun, commerce and education. Farmers as well as the general public could learn about agriculture, manufacturing, and the latest trends in technology.
Over the years, the state fair has evolved as times have changed.
This year the fair organizers decided to narrow their vision to two primary goals for all attendees:
They have an astonishingly simple methodology to achieve these goals: force feed you with food that will kill you and then shake you up on the rides until you can no longer draw a breath.
The first step is to ensure the dazed and confused masses consume inordinate and lethal quantities of hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, saturated fats, sugar, red dye #2, MSG, nitrites, nitrates, and sodium.
When you enter the gates of the State Fair, you have to walk through about 5,000 food booths. They will not give you a map until you wade your way through the maze of temptation. Some of the items for sale include: elephant ears, funnel cakes, popcorn, kettle corn, turkey legs, BBQ, ice cream floats, ice cream sundaes, cotton candy, candy apples, bucket o' fries, bucket o' death, corn dogs, hot dogs, fried fish, fried Oreos, Italian sausage, Polish sausage, New Guinea sausage, fried oysters, fried shrimp, fried green beans, fried dill pickles, fried fingernails, fried applesauce and fried cole slaw. I’m pretty sure you could get deep-fried bacon fat if you wanted, although that one had a warning label from the Surgeon General.
Once you are loaded to the gills with disgustingly unhealthy food that tastes like a slice of deep-fried heaven, the next step is to shake you up a bit. At the State Fair every single ride involves spinning. Some involve spinning to the point where you’re flung upside a wall. Others spin you, fling you, hang you upside down, and spit on you. Then they have the nerve to laugh at you.
This death trap is called the Zipper. It spins you around and around while another part of the trap is spinning around and around. They call it the Zipper because when you get off, you’ll wish they were zipping you up in a body bag.
Based on my experience, I’d say the State Fair is very successful at accomplishing its mission.
There are a few more photos and stories to come this week as soon as my eyes come uncrossed and I finish my fried food detoxification program and my cardiac rehabilitation.