Monday, October 6, 2008

State Fair - Part One

Virginia’s State Fair has been a yearly ritual since 1854, when a group of people decided to create a permanent location for the fair which they envisioned as a place for family fun, commerce and education. Farmers as well as the general public could learn about agriculture, manufacturing, and the latest trends in technology.

Over the years, the state fair has evolved as times have changed.

This year the fair organizers decided to narrow their vision to two primary goals for all attendees:

1. Sickness
2. Death

They have an astonishingly simple methodology to achieve these goals: force feed you with food that will kill you and then shake you up on the rides until you can no longer draw a breath.

The first step is to ensure the dazed and confused masses consume inordinate and lethal quantities of hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, saturated fats, sugar, red dye #2, MSG, nitrites, nitrates, and sodium.

When you enter the gates of the State Fair, you have to walk through about 5,000 food booths. They will not give you a map until you wade your way through the maze of temptation. Some of the items for sale include: elephant ears, funnel cakes, popcorn, kettle corn, turkey legs, BBQ, ice cream floats, ice cream sundaes, cotton candy, candy apples, bucket o' fries, bucket o' death, corn dogs, hot dogs, fried fish, fried Oreos, Italian sausage, Polish sausage, New Guinea sausage, fried oysters, fried shrimp, fried green beans, fried dill pickles, fried fingernails, fried applesauce and fried cole slaw. I’m pretty sure you could get deep-fried bacon fat if you wanted, although that one had a warning label from the Surgeon General.

Once you are loaded to the gills with disgustingly unhealthy food that tastes like a slice of deep-fried heaven, the next step is to shake you up a bit. At the State Fair every single ride involves spinning. Some involve spinning to the point where you’re flung upside a wall. Others spin you, fling you, hang you upside down, and spit on you. Then they have the nerve to laugh at you.

This death trap is called the Zipper. It spins you around and around while another part of the trap is spinning around and around. They call it the Zipper because when you get off, you’ll wish they were zipping you up in a body bag.

Based on my experience, I’d say the State Fair is very successful at accomplishing its mission.

There are a few more photos and stories to come this week as soon as my eyes come uncrossed and I finish my fried food detoxification program and my cardiac rehabilitation.


Bear Naked said...

My arteries started hardening just reading this.
Mmmm--nothing sounded more appetizing than the bucket o' death.

Bear((( )))

Mental P Mama said...

You gotta love that artery-hardening food.

Joanie said...

I can't tell you how much I love your blog and here is one of the reason's why .... Fried Oreos!! For real? What do they taste like?

Big Hair Envy said...

We didn't make it to the State Fair this year :( Homecoming weekend came first for some reason. It's probably best though, my arteries were killing me when we left last year...must have been the been the bucket 'o lard I ingested.

Oh, how I wish we could make it to the Halloween event at the Sandpiper. For some reason, EVERYONE is having a party this year....and they are all at the same time :( Have you chosen a costume? We are in the R & D phase.

Grandma J said...

The Zipper used to be my favorite ride at the Fair.
I know if was just an oversight of "fried", but my favorite in that catagory is twinkies...fried of course.
I'm so glad you had fun, and by fun I mean maybe just maybe there was a water ride to make sure you froze your hind end off.

Looks like you are good to go one more year! Just know the vision never changes.

wellreadhostess said...

The Western Montana State Fair serves something called a Viking, which is deep fried meatloaf on a stick.

foolery said...

I tend to shy away from food served in a bucket. Maybe I'm just too close to the ag world, in which animals fed from buckets were probably being fattened up for something.

Not that it would take much fattening up, in my case.

bobbie said...

I used to love the rides, and some of the food. But what on earth are elephant ears? Never heard of that one.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Hello to everyone and thanks for commenting. I've been negligent in minding my comment section because I've been way too busy with this thing called Life. Also, for the blogs I try to regularly comment on, forgive me if I haven't visited. I should be back to "normal" (whatever that is) by next week.

Joanie - Yes, there were fried Oreos there, I swear. They didn't really have the fried cole slaw though....or the fingernails.

Grandma J. - The Zipper was your favorite? I'm surprised, but not surprised simultaneously. You're one tough cookie if you can handle that one.

Bobbie - I confess, I do not know exactly what an elephant ear is, but it involves frying,dough,and sugar as does 99% of everything sold at the fair. I'll make it my mission to eat one next year. I think.

Rebeckah said...

Fried applesauce? How delish : ). I always hated the zipper. I'm glad you survived. What would blog land do without you?

Anonymous said...

Good times can also be had at King's Dominion, where you can easily find someone who:
is holding a greasy TURKEY LEG that's bigger than a WHOLE TURKEY, slopped up with barbeque sauce, sauce is all over their face and fingers, no napkin in sight...NORBIT!! How many times I got to tell you quit movin' my seat up!!!( Chesapeake Bay Children will know what this means, it's our favorite movie..)

Baby Sis

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Baby Sis: Thanks for keepin' it real and for keepin' it Norbit AND for making me laugh out loud. Please show Norbit at my funeral and know that I am laughing hysterically even from the grave and reciting the lines just like CB Daughter.....

Only you and Middle Sis (and CB Mother and Father if only they had internet access) will appreciate this, but CB Son now says, "Slop it on up," on a daily basis, and without fail it makes me laugh.

TSannie said...

What happy memories! We don't have state fairs here in CT nearly as good as yours! Hope your detoxifying is a quick success...I'd be right there with you. Amazing how bad for you that food is!! And it's so damn good!