Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Information Overload

Here's another shot of the old pier at New Point, which is nothing but bare posts stripped of their planks. Speaking of stripping, my mother has written a little something that she'd like to share. It's a little something I like to call Too Much Information.

I am in utter and complete denial that Christmas Eve is tomorrow, and after reading this post, you will be in utter and complete denial that you ever visited this Life in Mathews site. I do not blame you, not one bit.

Voted Best Dressed
by Chesapeake Bay Woman's Mother

I was born naked and from what I can remember, nobody in the delivery room screamed or went blind. I was a little smaller then, but what is the big huge deal, why be so appalled by Nature’s original plan? After all, did Nature include cloth, needle and thread in the package? Not in my package. Are we to assume that God took care of all the other animals, with feathers and fur, and forgot about us, his masterpieces? I think not.

Oh, sorry, too much information for your already overly informed brains (CBW is now interjecting herself here to say I am nodding my head so fast my vision is blurred. Now back to my mother, whose disturbing images are already in progress.) Well, toughen up, ‘cause when you die, they send you to the morgue buck-naked * in a bag with a zipper over your nose and a tag on your toe, neither of which is Gucci.

No other animal on this planet is ashamed of or prudish about his natural physical state like the human one. We’re so far advanced in intelligence and evolutionary adaptations that we run and hide when spied in the undressed condition. Interesting.

Since we are as we are, the question of why is moot; but the next time your modesty overpowers reason, just try to imagine a highland gorilla skittling about to find her cover-up when approached by a stranger. Of course not, that might be considered neurotic and even foolhardy if the stranger had a gun.

Here on the Chesapeake Bay, we sometimes** disobey the law and go as God intended. Husband frequently entertains by flinging open a door and appearing resplendent in his favorite leather belt. That’s all, just the belt. *** No shoes, no socks, just the belt. ****
Mind you, he reserves such behavior for my eyes only.***** We are hoping.******

Sundays are our favorite time—the neighbors are in church, fully-clothed and praying for the likes of us. Last Sunday I heard Husband in the kitchen. So, I got undressed, went downstairs, flung open the door, and asked, “Have you seen my belt?” He did smile.

It’s only a matter of time before we do jail time and have records.

Until then, I’m going shopping for a new belt.
-CB Mother
Chesapeake Bay Woman's Comments and Pleas for Help

*Or, as some people around here say, butt naked. These are the same people who say chimbleys instead of chimneys.
** Where “sometimes” is defined as “often.”
***I’d like to take this opportunity to say this about that: WAY too much information.
****CB Mother? We heard you the first time about that daggone belt.
*****Thank goodness for small miracles.
******Excuse me, I have to phone a therapist now. There has been substantial, permanent and irrevocable damage to my psyche caused by the images conjured up in this post.

Is there some nice family out there who doesn’t run around naked and tell their children about it? I’m officially up for adoption.


Unknown said...

I am convinced more than ever that Chesapeake Bay Mother needs her own blog.

The only time I used to love being naked outside of my own dwelling was when I had borrowed my mothers full length mink to wear to a New Years Eve party. I didn't want to return it, and I kept making excuses until one day my mother found out why I didn't want to return it. I had a ritual of wrapping myself up in it and going out on the patio for my morning coffee and smoke. That coat felt sooooo fine! Some day I want another "robe" like that.

Unknown said...

oh, my mistake. I am buck naked when I get my full body massages...they do drape a sheet though.

Karen Deborah said...

naw I'd be in good company with your mom, I run around in my birthday suit. I kiss Papa and the kids always say eeewwwwww, they do this for "chaste" kisses. Kids learn by example, so one of these days CBW you will follow in your mamas footsteps. Hope your husband is around when you do.

Cool Breeze said...

Everyone is welcome to be naked at my house ... well in the summer anyway ... with a tan ... at the pool ... with alcohol ... and sunglasses.

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! Don't pay any attention to Cool Breeze. HE is the one who enjoys being naked, not me:D **shudders** I would personally like to thank CBMother for further encouraging this behavior...

Mental P Mama said...

Why does none of this surprise me? Can I stay at yur parents' house when I come there?

Anonymous said...

This is a great post, Mamma! Positive and uplifting. I'm taking it all off as we speak. Qwah!

-Middle Sis

Anonymous said...

I agree with Grandma J...CB mamma needs to have a blog. And maybe she'd even sit and write her posts naked and let it all hang out. She amazes me. Truly.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

GJ - They say a picture speaks a thousand words...have any of you in your smoking jacket?

KD - NO! I cannot follow in those footsteps. If I'm following, it is only because I'm being dragged kicking and screaming. With all my clothes on too.

BN - I've always meant to ask you...is there a story surrounding your choice of name (the bear part I know about...but the naked part?).

Cool Breeze - I'm convinced now you must be a long lost relative. Whatever's in this Mathews drinking water must also be impacting the K&Q County water source.

BHE - I'm with you, sister.

MPM - I've got a better idea. I'll ship them to you. You can have them as long as you like. How does a year sound?

Middle Sister: QWAH right back at ya. I said QWAH! Did you hear me?? QWAH!!

Kaffy - I'd have to leave the country if she were allowed free access to the internet. The arrangement now is preferable to me since I can censor and monitor what she puts out there. And believe me, I censor a LOT.

Happy Christams Eve Eve. I hope y'all are better rested than I am.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Grandma J on this one...set your mum up with a blog of her own. This is golden! Well, I say that because it's not MY mom blogging about it. If it were, I'd be rocking back and forth in a corner, drooling all over myself, with permanent mental scarring.

Actually, now I'm kinda worried.

My mom reads a lot of the blogs I read, especially the ones I gush about - yours included, and she's setting up her own blog as I type this. I soooo don't want her getting any ideas. Oiy!

Anonymous said...

I'd write something witty, but I'm busy daydreaming.

It's a guy thing.