This is the Christmas tree that tries to kill me year after year.
It's an 8-foot, artificial number that I've
had for over a decade. Every December I have to haul this monster up from the bowels of the basement and painstakingly put it together limb by just shoot me now
because the Chesapeake Bay Children love it. Yay!
Of course they are noticeably absent whenever the arduous battle of CBW vs. Artificial Tree commences. The mere mention
of dragging those dreaded bins up ignites flames at their heels. There's talk of homework to do and root canals to be had
My tree is always
plotting against me
a hodgepodge of decorations, from the vintage 1970 glass bulbs to the soon-to-be-collectible if not lethal
one dollar bead garlands from Dollar General.
Actually, I love the Dollar General garlands and sometimes scatter them atop the Christmas table for an added dose of
But the Chesapeake Bay Family Christmas tree is not just about CBW toting bins loaded with prickly branches up from the
depths of hell
basement by herself; nor is it about her quirky hodgepodge of decorations.
Unbeknownst to the casual observer, CBW has a theme in her decorating, and it's called
Having a Little Fun, in a passive-aggressive sort of way. 'Tis the season, no?
Remember Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the Christmas special that has come on every year
decades before TV was invented
Well, back when CB Son was a toddler, I bought a Rudolph tree skirt and all the Rudolph characters, which I placed in some specially designated area atop a shelf or a piece of furniture. They had their own space, these Rudolph characters, and they were arranged just so
Now that CB Son and Daughter are older, and run like the dickens whenever this whole Christmas decorating ordeal occurs
, I've taken some liberties with Rudolph and his happy clan.
Take, for example, Yukon Cornelius, below (click here for audio clip)
, who single-handedly demoted the Abominable Snowman to Frosty status. He doesn't look so tough when he's dangling helplessly from a tree now, does he? And is that Santa Claus way below him, unable to even make eye contact? Speaking of eyes, is that a fear of heights I see in yours, Mr. Cornelius? That's not a very good trait for a prospector. Tut-tut.
And here's old Hermey, the rebellious little misfit of an elf who wanted to be a dentist
rather than make toys for the children of the world. (Click here for the audio proof.
) Hermey, you should be ashamed. A dentist? Really?
Right now, he looks like he'd rather be performing a root canal. On himself
Nice hair, Hermey. How many cleanings can you perform while teetering precariously from the end of a tree limb, hmmm
We won't mention all the hullabaloo going on over in the Santa Claus display.
But if we were, who remembers the Saturday Night Live Mr. Bill routine? (Click here, kids, for a frame of reference.)
The Santa Claus below looks like he's saying, "Oh nooooooooooo!"
(Am I the only one who sees fear in their eyes? And yes, we're talking about inanimate Christmas decorations. Or are we?
I promise I've not lost my last marble- it's rolling around somewhere waiting for me to pick it up and dust it off. This week has been stressful, and for some reason stress always
makes me want to torment certain Christmas decorations brings out my slightly off-kilter sense of humor. Things will return to normal, however that is defined, soon.
For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I beg you to add a dose, however slight, of silliness to your decorations. For example, hang a slice of bread (or something equally ridiculous that you or others will find funny) on an ornament hook and put it in a not-so-obvious place on your tree. Even if nobody else sees it, you'll know it's there and can have a secret snicker.
Laughter is, after all, the best medicine and to me the greatest gift, even if the source involves rebellious, misfit dentists and odd little moustached prospectors being rendered utterly and completely helpless.
'Tis the season.