Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Oh! Christmas Tree

This is the Christmas tree that tries to kill me year after year.

It's an 8-foot, artificial number that I've struggled against had for over a decade.  Every December I have to haul this monster up from the bowels of the basement and painstakingly put it together limb by just shoot me now limb because the Chesapeake Bay Children love it. Yay!

Of course they are noticeably absent whenever the arduous battle of CBW vs. Artificial Tree commences. The mere mention of dragging those dreaded bins up ignites flames at their heels. There's talk of homework to do and root canals to be had.

My tree is always plotting against me  a hodgepodge of decorations, from the vintage 1970 glass bulbs to the soon-to-be-collectible if not lethal one dollar bead garlands from Dollar General.

Actually, I love the Dollar General garlands and sometimes scatter them atop the Christmas table for an added dose of lead festivity.  

But the Chesapeake Bay Family Christmas tree is not just about CBW toting bins loaded with prickly branches up from the depths of hell basement by herself; nor is it about her quirky hodgepodge of decorations.

Unbeknownst to the casual observer, CBW has a theme in her decorating, and it's called terrorizing! Having a Little Fun, in a passive-aggressive sort of way. 'Tis the season, no?

Remember Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the Christmas special that has come on every year since decades before TV was invented 1964?

Well, back when CB Son was a toddler, I bought a Rudolph tree skirt and all the Rudolph characters, which I placed in some specially designated area atop a shelf or a piece of furniture.  They had their own space, these Rudolph characters, and they were arranged just so.

Now that CB Son and Daughter are older, and run like the dickens whenever this whole Christmas decorating ordeal occurs, I've taken some liberties with Rudolph and his happy clan.

Take, for example, Yukon Cornelius, below (click here for audio clip), who single-handedly demoted the Abominable Snowman to Frosty status.  He doesn't look so tough when he's dangling helplessly from a tree now, does he? And is that Santa Claus way below him, unable to even make eye contact? Speaking of eyes, is that a fear of heights I see in yours, Mr. Cornelius? That's not a very good trait for a prospector. Tut-tut.

And here's old Hermey, the rebellious little misfit of an elf who wanted to be a dentist rather than make toys for the children of the world.   (Click here for the audio proof.)  Hermey, you should be ashamed. A dentist?  Really?

Right now, he looks like he'd rather be performing a root canal. On himself.

Nice hair, Hermey. How many cleanings can you perform while teetering precariously from the end of a tree limb, hmmm?

We won't mention all the hullabaloo going on over in the Santa Claus display.

But if we were, who remembers the Saturday Night Live Mr. Bill routine? (Click here, kids, for a frame of reference.)  

The Santa Claus below looks like he's saying, "Oh nooooooooooo!"

(Am I the only one who sees fear in their eyes? And yes, we're talking about inanimate Christmas decorations.  Or are we?)

Dear Reader,
     I promise I've not lost my last marble- it's rolling around somewhere waiting for me to pick it up and dust it off. This week has been stressful, and for some reason stress always makes me want to torment certain Christmas decorations brings out my slightly off-kilter sense of humor.  Things will return to normal, however that is defined, soon.   


For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I beg you to add a dose, however slight, of silliness to your decorations. For example,  hang a slice of bread (or something equally ridiculous that you or others will find funny) on an ornament hook and put it in a not-so-obvious place on your tree. Even if nobody else sees it, you'll know it's there and can have a secret snicker.

Laughter is, after all, the best medicine and to me the greatest gift, even if the source involves rebellious, misfit dentists and odd little moustached prospectors being rendered utterly and completely helpless.

'Tis the season.


Karen Deborah said...

Personally I have always liked your wacky witty sense of humor and I think your tree looks great and fun. You have probably got some uber collectibles there!

deborah said...

Giggling at your wonderful sense of humor! Love your tree even though it looks to be a monster to put together and decorate. We dug out our little tree this year, and I must have had plenty of time on my hands one year...each light (which miraculously still works) was individually wired with a bread tie to a branch.
I would hang a slice of bread from the tree but the dog would eat it:))
Wishing for less stress and more fun for you this week'll all be over soon!

Anonymous said...

We have a 9 foot tree that is also a monster to drag up from the basement and decorate. My husband actually does the dragging but the rest is up to me. My son magically disappears when it it is time to decorate too. Every year I say this is going to be the last year I use the giant but I keep putting it up! I always enjoy it once it's done though! I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas!

Meg McCormick said...

I love it! My husband loves to tell the story of the plastic lighted manger scene that his mom used to insist be placed out in their front yard. They live on the side of a mountain and it can get windy, and one year, the Baby Jesus, whom they had for some unknown reason dubbed "The baby Fred" came unplugged and blew and rolled waaaay down the hill. They giggle every time they tell the story!

Lynne M said...

OH, talk about funny.. I LOVE Christmas decorating, and usually put up 6 (yes, 6) trees in my very small house. I used to have one of those 8 foot, arm slicing, scar leaving, piece by blessed piece trees, which of course, I too, had to put up all by myself. Now my husband insists upon a real tree. Until this year. We have a real tree, it is already dead. There are about 10 ornaments on it. There is a fence around it, which is velcroed to the floor. The 1 year old looks at this fence and laughs at it. Right before he rips it up from the floor. There are needles all over my floor, thanks to my 3 cats scattering them everywhere (even as far back as the bathrooms!).. and did I mention that this is the ONLY tree up in my house this year. Hmmmm... there MUST be a reason, right?

PS, I love your tree and the quirky ornaments...

Anonymous said...

Yes, 'tis the season, alright! This time of year, I vacillate between thinking everyone's an asshole and I love everyone, depending on which way the wind blows. If you yelled out Sybil, I'd answer for sure. I love the Christmas season and decorating and all of that stuff. But, still..... All I know is that I can't wait for January 1, when I'll be en route to Jamaica. Wish I could have come home for Mamma's birthday and Christmas, but looking forward to seeing you guys in January!

Middle Sis

Daryl said...

Is the secret snicker like the secret santa? And not only do I remember Mr Bill but ToonMan worked with them before they stumbled onto SNL

Anonymous said...

Enjoy every minute of it CBW, remember Christmas is not a happy time for everyone, it can be stressful when they can't put presents under the tree. It can be sad when love one's are no longer there to enjoy it with. And it can be a very,very lonely time for some. So enjoy every minute of it. Me I'm just gona sleep threw it!!

Jamie said...

Thanks, CBW, I needed that chuckle. Bridget was nearly killed by an actual tree this holiday season. Well, maybe not killed, maybe just poked in the eye a bit. My dad was busy chopping dow nthe tree and just as Bridget asks, "Which way is this thing falling?" it fell on her. Pretty funny. Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

You hang bread on the Christmas tree and still you wonder why you have ants? Better sprinkle some Ant Begone on the tree skirt. Mum

Mental P Mama said...

I think Mum can just come over with her bottle of Fantastik and take care of those ants....and, ahhhhh loveeeeeee youuuuuuuuu. Merry Christmas!