Friday, December 12, 2008

Song and Dance

Here we have a picture of a dead tree reaching upwards to the dizzying heights of a confused blue sky. Or rather, here we have a dizzy Chesapeake Bay Woman who is very confused and wishes she were a tree standing in a swamp rather than someone supposedly hosting a neighborhood party this weekend.

In today's segment of Chesapeake Bay Woman's Guide to the Holidays (aka Folly Days), we'll discuss two important parts of the season's festivities: song and dance.

Keep in mind, I could spend a great deal of time talking about how the rain shorted out one of the 14 inter-connected strands of lights on my cedar tree outside; I could speak about finding a leaf blower in my living room (yes, a leaf blower); about how I moved the leaf blower to the front stoop as part of my cleaning dance discussed below; about sitting through 3 hours of basketball and driving home in the dark in horizontal rain; about almost ending up in the front flower bed due to losing control of my car as I pulled up onto the lawn to get closer to the front door due to the dark and rain, because naturally I did not leave any lights on, and my outdoor Christmas lights were shorted out. I could speak about finally making my way up the steps to the front door and tripping over that very same leaf blower that earlier was in my living room--but I'm not going to talk about any of that.

Instead I'm going to talk about song and dance.

The Dance
Part of Chesapeake Bay Woman's Holiday Survival Tool Kit includes a cleaning method that doubles as a dance, and it's known as the Clutter Shuffle. No partner is required, and it's super easy--anyone can do it. While dancing around the house, you pick up items from one room and place them in a new location, but you never accomplish anything other than moving the very same junk to a different location.

The Song
by Chesapeake Bay Mad Woman

Be sure to add this to your repertoire as you and your friends sip cider and gather around the piano with a roaring fire crackling in the background....

On the first day of party planning,
Guess what happened to me?
An altercation with my Christmas tree.

On the second day of party planning,
Guess what happened to me?
Two nasty wreaths
And an altercation with my Christmas tree.

On the third day of party planning,
Guess what happened to me?
Three bloody fingers
Two nasty wreaths
And an altercation with my Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of party planning,
Guess what happened to me?
Four botched invitations,
Three bloody fingers,
Two nasty wreaths,
And an altercation with my Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of party planning,
Guess what happened to me?
Fiiiiive hours in Wal-Mart
Four botched invitations
Three bloody fingers
Two nasty wreaths
And an altercation with my Christmas tree.

On the 100th day of party planning,
Guess what happened to me?
Chesapeake Bay Woman says, "Never again!"
Five never agains
Four never agains
Three never agains
Two never agains
And a never again, never again.

The End.


Bear Naked said...

Well since MY invitation (even though I am technically not a neighbour....YET) to your soirée must have been held up at the border, I guess I will have to keep coming back here to read about what is going on there at Chez CBW before the partay.
Just remember every second glass of wine that you drink is to be in my honour.

Bear((( )))

Unknown said...

Five hours in Walmart? Are you kidding? I never stay more than two...because if I do, security starts tailing me. Seriously, I can feel them lurking.

The sky looks like the wispy clouds don't know which way to go.

Anonymous said...

NEVER say "Never".....Heehee!

You really should investigate the possibility of having a famous recording artist sing your new Christmas song. I'm thinking Jessica Simpson would be pretty believable.....

Mental P Mama said...

Awesome! I am writing my own version of Tannenbaum as we speak;) I cannot wait to hear all about the party!

Cool Breeze said...

WOW CBW!! Where do you come up with this stuff! I am laughing my arse off!!

Anonymous said...

Qwah! Sounds like you need a glass of wine....

-Middle Sis

Anonymous said...

I've got an idea.
You sing, I'll dance. Everyone always looks great for a holiday party.

And who cares if the house is a little dirty as long as the beer is cold and the company is fun to be with. And if the guests are really fun to be with, it really doesn't matter if the beer is all that cold.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

BN - I've already hoisted one in your honor, and there's still an hour and a half til party time.

GJ - Not only does the security stalk me at Wal-Mutant, but they play that scarey announcement:"Attention, security sweep in progress" or whatever they say. I also have to go in and out of my pocketbook a lot to look for my list (that's never in there) and I always feel eyes watching me as if I'm stealing. Anyway, although I was only in Wal -Mutant for a 1.5 hours, it felt like five.

BHE - NEVER AGAIN!!! At least not until I'm wealthy enough to hire a landscaper, a decorator, a maid, a chef and a wait staff. NEVER AGAIN.

MPM - If I don't come back on tonight with an update I will sometime tomorrow. For the first time in I don't know how long, I do not have any pictures or stories lined up for tomorrow, so I may just wing something in the morning....or not. I'll at least update the comment section with anything newsworthy.

Such as BABY SISTER IS SUPPOSED TO BE COMING TONIGHT. That alone will provide enough blog fodder to get me into the new year.

Cool Breeze - This stuff just spews forth and, really, most of it does not need to be shared with the world. My mind is a very scary place. (But speaking of arse, that's where I pull much of this stuff from. Did I say that? Chesapeake Bay Children, your mother is under stress today and feels the need to stretch the limits of her usually tame blogging vocabulary, not to be confused with her daily, non-blog-vocab which is regrettably sprinkled with epithets. In short, do not repeat what your mother says, especially in school. Thank you.

Middle Sister: Good advice, already being heeded. May the QWAH be with you.

Anonymous - I agree with your philosophy. I have officially surrendered being worried about every little detail, especially since I believe I have alienated the majority of my family and the thing hasn't even started yet. My parents just came by to drop something off and based on my growls and hisses, they did not make eye contact and high-tailed it next door. I've decided to relax and enjoy the company and not worry about the details, which as most of you know is not my forte anyway.

Have a great weekend, all.

Anonymous said...

Five hours in Hell, I mean WalMart? Are you serious. Dear oh dear oh me oh my! I'm sending Valium and wine, STAT! You poor thing.

If Jessica Simpson isn't available to sing your holiday anthem, perhaps MIA can lay down some tracks you and include some of those famous gun shots and cash register sounds she's so fond of? Maybe? No?

Karen Deborah said...

ok the word work I could totally sing along, so when are we coming to the party? did you figure out how to put your award up? copy and paste and then uplaod just like a photo, I know you know how to upload a photo. your brilliant really.

Meg McCormick said...

I like how you rhymed "again" with "again." I also enjoyed your use of hyperbole when referring to FIVE hours in Walmart. Because seriously? No F'in way!

love it; thanks for this!

Anonymous said...

Loved it, You are so very clever. Good luck with that party. Did I mention that I fell down on thanksgiving day, off of my deck. MY left wrist still hurts.
LOve ya. Try not to stress out too much over the holidays.

Anonymous said...

The anonymous comment above is cats.

Anonymous said...

Must have been quite a party of singing and's past noon of the next day and still no post :))

That's a good thing!