Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Wood Burning Furnace Part III

I took this on one of my wild goose chases on the way to Bethel Beach. Or Onemo. Or somewhere. No matter, because once I arrived at Bethel Beach I changed my mind about taking pictures. The lighting was horrible and the beach looked too gray and blah. Speaking of changing your mind, and also speaking of gray--like great big puffs of gray, billowy smoke--I turn now to Chesapeake Bay Mother's continuing saga about my father's latest Man Toy: the wood burning furnace.

My parents, who live next door, recently switched from an oil-burning furnace to an outdoor, wood-burning furnace. When I say "my parents," what I really mean is "my father," who heard about this contraption and would not stop until he had one.

For previous chapters in this epic clash of Man vs. Wife vs. Furnace, click here and here.

The Woodburning Furnace, Part Trois
by Chesapeake Bay Mother

"It is a new day, a new year, and "she got a new attitude," as the song goes. After all the hauling, digging, rigging up of heat exchangers, pumps, ad infinitum--voila! She works, the furnace, that is. It must be what the Coolee workforce felt when the final spike of the first transcontinental railroad was driven--exhausted euphoria. One of Husband's many advisors from near and far finally flipped the right switch and our house is warmer than Florida!

Aside from the loading of heavy logs about three times a day--which Husband accomplishes himself or by proxy--the only negative is the occasional spell of billowing, dense smoke which happens after refueling.* I'm hoping the neighbors aren't becoming agitated.** It is especially noticeable when the air is still; when wind blows, things are tolerable. On one of the smokier days, I noticed some unusual traffic down the lane, but was relieved that none of the cars had red lights and sirens.

I am prepared to say I was wrong on all of this,*** but I have an ominous reservation to do so. Husband's back went out at the neighborhood Christmas Party (don't ask),**** and after Christmas my hip seized up for a week (without provocation).

All this makes me wonder how we would fare if we both were incapacitated at once.***** Trust me, that would be the very time we would get our "once every ten years blizzard up to your hips."

Come to think of it, that sounds like fun...." - cbmother

Chesapeake Bay Woman is Chomping at the Bit to Say This About That:

* The volume of smoke and the size of the log pile is more magnificent than the West Point paper mill. When I come down the driveway, I have to turn on my fog lights and windshield wipers to find my way to the house.

** You can rest assured The Neighbors convene regularly to discuss the Many Antics of the Chesapeake Bay Family. Any day now I expect to receive a petition asking us to please leave not only the county, but the state of Virginia, and the United States, if that isn't too much to ask.

***If in fact Chesapeake Bay Mother still feels this way as of the next chapter in the Wood-Burning Furnace Debates, you can rest assured this is a watershed date in the history of the Chesapeake Bay Family. CB Mother rarely changes her opinion of a CB Father purchase.

****This would be the Neighborhood Christmas Party that I hosted, and I beg you, please don't ask.

*****Both incapacitated at once? And I live next door to them? If you think I'm going to be hauling lumber and stuffing it into some thing that looks like a portajohn except it pumps out more industrial grade smoke than a factory, well, you may as well go ahead and believe that Chesapeake Bay Mother is going to say that my father was right in this whole ordeal.

It ain't gonna happen.


Anonymous said...

As I stand with my back to the Blue Ridge mountains I can see the smoke slowly rising above all of Mathews County. Should I send firewood?


PS - The verification word for today is "wortywam". I'd like to see one of those, I think.

Meg McCormick said...

I can't resist asking: what happened??

Mental P Mama said...

Okay. We need to know all about the party episode. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I hope and pray my father never finds out about your father's new toy! Just the fact that he has a wood stove in one room that he believes will heat his 2500 sq ft house is enough of a problem. He's had back surgery four times, the man does not need to be hauling more wood around! Of course, thriftiness is a big thing with him, hence the cottage made from scrap and found lumber! What can you do?!

Anonymous said...

"...my hip seized up (without provocation)..." Bwahahaha! She SAYS it was without provocation; however, I have an idea that it had something to do with the goings-on at the Christmas party:)

Anonymous said...

I don't even have another comment about today's blog... just wanna know what a "noogict" is. That's the verification word that just came up. Bizarre stuff!

Anonymous said...

Breezeway, noogict is what you see when you look through a wortywam. A common expression you hear from folks who look through a wortywam and see a noogict is "ohyolo" - pronounced oh'-yo-low.

I think I'm beginning to understand this language.

Excuse me while I go get another cocktail. Why the hell do "they" call them cocktails?



Anonymous said...

Here's another one to add to the list: hobstump

A hobstump is a stationary object found in a dark country yard. It is guaranteed that you will trip over a hobstump when trying to sneak in past your curfew. This, in turn, will cause you to curse. Loudly. Not that I would know.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

QWAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I am so high on the fumes of basketball victory I can't stand myself. That topped with internet access at long last because My Paying Job does not allow it, and I am currently in a state called Hog Heaven.

MMM - Send firewood AND a lumberjack AND some boxing gloves. Oh, and some of that snow, too, preferably enough to come up to the window sills so there will be no work or school tomorrow.

Meg & MPM - I'll tell you, I just have to contemplate when. Maybe later tonight in the comments section when nobody's looking.

Breezeway - We used to have a Fisher stove so hot your nose hairs would catch fire if you breathed anywhere in a 2-room radius. Just say NO! to the wood-burning furnace.

BHE - I'll tell ya later. Oh, and I am contemplating writing something about all this basketball I'm high on that may include you...in your glory days at a certain high school. I'm just brewing it up in my mind, so it may come tomorrow or later or never, the way my mind works.

Breezeway - A noogict is someone who got caught giving noogies.

MMM - Qwah right back. (I hope you're pronouncing it right...although CB Mother spells it Qwah, it is actually pronounced kwaaaahhh like a baby crying. Speaking of cocktails, did you read the one on here about my great aunt hollering out, "Oh look, there's cock shrimptails!" in the grocery store? Cocktails...maybe it's because if you have too many you feel like you have rooster feathers stuffed in your mouth.

BHE - Hobstump sounds like something they make medication for, I believe it's a "little purple pill" and there's always a man (and a woman) smiling on the commercial...



Meg McCormick said...

CBW, I just don't have an extra story in me. Well, that I can share. Or at least share something nice. I know after this is over and the prizes are awarded, it'll occur to me but for now? I got nothin'. Sorry.

But can't wait to read the rest of 'em!

Anonymous said...


Do you think you could post some pictures of this marvel?


Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Meg, I'll only tell you what happened with CB Daddy at the party if you send me something for the contest. Thankfully, I realize this lets me off the hook on relaying those unfortuante events which I had conveniently managed to block out until CB Mamma wrote this story.

B - Oh yeah. I can get you some pictures, but I have to go on a stealth mission next door. If I remember, I'll do that this weekend. In the interim, just picture a Trudy's Toilet with a smokestack and West Point-level smoke.

Unknown said...

I'm not bragging or accusing...but could it be that Chesapeake Bay Mother's carbon footprint is larger than Grandma J's?

I'm playing catch up, and I want the world to know that I'm officially signing up for the Mathews Blogfest. I'm planning on driving from Central Texas...that could change, but as of now, I'm driving just so I can lolly-gag and see some of the country. I was thinking of bringing Phillip Johnny Bob, but that just might put me at odds with JJ. Oh well, those logistics will be ironed out.