Monday, July 14, 2008
This is yet another shot of the bay from the Eastern Shore of Virginia, and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything you will read below, other than this is the bay, and I live near the bay and desire to stay as close as possible to it for the rest of my days on this planet.
Today, which is really yesterday when you read this, Mathews County native, frequent commenter and my second (or third? or one and a half, two times removed? *) Cousin Cats, her son and my son went to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg. We had a great time, great weather and plenty of laughter. And screaming. The screaming was all mine; the laughter was mostly my son's. He likes to laugh at his mother, and I love making him laugh, even if it isn't intentional and I am merely trying to ensure everyone is aware that I am about to die due to my head being jerked off my shoulders by DaVinci's Cradle, for example.
I would like to provide the following tips for any of you contemplating going to an amusement park this summer:
1. To prepare for the day, start working out a year in advance. I recommend a heavy dose of weight lifting and plenty of cardio. This will eliminate the need to call the park medical staff when, upon walking mile 4,000, you collapse in the heat into a puddle of despair.
And this was just the distance from the car to the tram that took us into the 20-mile long wait just to get into the park.
2. To practice for the waiting in line, try holding the contents of your bladder for, oh, twelve days straight. During those twelve days, do not eat a single morsel of food, do not drink water, and please do stand in front of a blazing fire underneath a heat lamp in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Wear a ski suit and wrap yourself in Seran Wrap. Under these conditions, stand jammed up against 42,000 people and be herded through a maze with no end.
And then, after an eternity, two panic attacks, some nail biting and many tears, get on some 3-d ride that JERKS YOUR INSIDES AROUND until your intestines and your brain exchange places.
You are now prepared to face the abusement park.
* Cats' great-grandfather and my great-grandfather, the blacksmith, were brothers. I have no idea what that makes us, other than cousins who enjoy each other's company and like to laugh. That's all that matters in life anyway, loving and laughing.