Yesterday, as I was rummaging through a box of stuff from my college days, I discovered some letters sent to me by various former boyfriends. As I was reading them, I started to break out into a sweat for one of several possible reasons depending on whose letter I was reading. Either I couldn't believe what was actually written or I couldn't believe I ever went out with this person. Or both.
Let's read a sample from a boyfriend who really never should have been a boyfriend because he was really just a friend. (Confused? You're right on track then.) Let's call him Jay.
Jay lived in my dorm the first year of college and was in love with any female who had blond hair. That really was his only requirement. At that time, my hair happened to be blond. (Crayola couldn't come up with a name for the color it is right now.) I will also note that Jay loved girls with brown hair. Jay just loved girls. So, basically his only true requirement was that the individual be female. Which I happen to be, so I met all his requirements.
Somehow or another, I ended up going out with him. I do not recall when the relationship changed from dorm-mate/friend to anything more, but I am sure one of my college roommates can clarify this for me. And then I will have to make an appointment with a psychotherapist.
Here's some of what Jay had to say in his letter, written when he was in summer school, and four excruciating pages in length:
" I love you very much and thought about you a whole lot. I told another person that I am extremely happy with the way things are going for me. I said that I have been seeing Chesapeake Bay Teenager* for about 5 months and have never been happier. That is so true - I have been (and hope to always be) very happy. I don't want to start getting sappy, but I mean it anyway. Thanks for all of the truly fantastic times I've had with you, and, as I've said, I hope there are billions more."
"....I NEED TO DRINK** today because I have to study tomorrow and Wednesday - I can't wait until this is all over with. School is really starting to bug me. Of course when you are here in the fall, school will be much better, as it was for me after Spring Break. The turn around attitude of mine towards school could all be attributed to you. I really enjoyed school - or at least if I didn't enjoy it , it didn't bother me because you made me (and still make me) very happy. I really have an unreal amounts [sic] of fun when I'm with you. I know I keep saying this, but I hope that I can come see you on Monday - I miss you terribly."
"...Some woman just won a trip to Rio on television. I want to go there so badly, and even more than that, I want you to be with me. Maybe I will find a bunch of money today and we can go. I expect that will happen.*** If it doesn't happen, then I guess Nags Head will have to do for now - then we will go to Rio later."****
*CBT was suffering from temporary insanity for dating this person. Or just plain suffering. Or just plain insane.
**Pass me a sip of that drink, will you? I need one after reliving this chapter of my life.
***Here's what I expect will happen around the same time you find all that money: Pigs will sprout wings and fly. And I'm riding one off into the sunset.
****I'll pass, thanks. You go on ahead. I'm sure you'll have an unreal amounts of fun.
And now I really have to take a break from all this. I'm starting to have flashbacks of a trip he and I took to the Bahamas. It was a free trip that he won through his fraternity. When a fraternity foots the bill for a 3-day trip to the Bahamas, let's just say the quality of the hotel was this: I would rather have slept covered in maple syrup on top of an anthill.
Now I must shed an unreal amounts of tears and pretend this never happened.