Thursday, July 17, 2008


This man is relaxing in front of another beautiful sunset in Mathews County. He looks very calm and at peace. He isn’t worried about whether or not he’ll fall down when he returns to his house. I worry about falling down or hurting myself every single day.

This afternoon I decided to go down into the depths of my basement and move some stuff around so I could actually walk. My basement has over 40 years of stuff in it; I never know what I’m going to find. I am not kidding when I say there is a porpoise skull down there.

Today, though, I found something good. I found a folder of e-mails that I saved from when I worked at Price Waterhouse in Washington, DC. It was full of correspondence between me and my mother, when she had internet service (she no longer does).

In case you haven’t noticed, I tend to be slightly accident-prone and don’t always have the best of luck. I attract bad weather on vacations; I attract ants; I am the only person on the planet who could damage a nerve from too much sitting in front of a computer; I can’t put ant poison down without hitting my head on something sticking out the side of the house; I fall off ponies; I fall off of boats; I wake up in the morning only to find my boat half-sunk.

Does anyone see a trend here?

Anyway, in this folder of correspondence, I discovered the very reason I am so clumsy , accident-prone and full of bad luck: my mother.

To wit:

July 20, 1997

From: Chesapeake Bay Woman’s Mother

“ ….I am bushed and whacked. Not to mention sore from falling down the stairs at your Little Sister’s with my feet wet from shampooing the room where the cat stays. I got a bruise on my arm and one on my back. I was lucky again.”

Also this:

July 21, 1991

From: Chesapeake Bay Woman’s Mother

“Well we are home. Daddy made out very well again and is doing well. I, on the other hand, fell down on the sidewalk at the hospital and skinned up my knees and hands. I had just walked out to the gazebo for some fresh air before Daddy’s doctor arrived, and the sidewalk was uneven and down she went. They are pretty sore now, but I’ll live.”

And finally this:

June 24, 1997

From: Chesapeake Bay Woman’s Mother

“….Dad’s in his drawers and I’m in my bikini and we’re sweating like two wieners on a charcoal spit. Maybe it’s time for an after-dark dash au naturale. Everybody thinks we are devil worshippers anyway.”

Note: This last e-mail had nothing to do with clumsiness or bad luck but I absolutely could not resist sharing it.

Just to clarify, we are not now nor have we ever been devil worshippers. Various family members have been known to run around the yard naked though.

Don't tell anyone.


Keeper Of All Things said...

Is it me or do you notice it all happen in July..........maybe July is your kriptonite....(spell changled girl here)
Oh and i bet you thought TMI on the whole getting naked thing.......but it sure gave me a chuckle!!!!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Keeper, my mother is infamous for TMI. In this case, though, I just had to laugh. Not only do they not have internet, they do not have an answering machine nor do they have central air conditioning, which does not bode well around here in the summer months, but does inspire people to get creative with their cooling off methods.

Big Hair Envy said...

Don't ALL country people run around the back 40 naked? Have I missed something?

"Two weiners on a charcoal spit" - now THAT'S a new one! hahahaha!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

bhe - I had never heard that one either. I found another e-mail where she said she was hotter than a race car wheel and just as dry. (Yes, we do all run around naked now and then, but people who don't live around here might not understand. I'm so glad you do!)

Karen Deborah said...

You are SOOO FUNNY! I love to laugh and you had me howling.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Deborah, I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds my family entertaining. There is enough fodder from my family alone to write ten books.

Also, I forgot to mention in the post about the time both of my parents were in the hospital at the same time: my father for an intestinal blockage, and my mother for falling down a flight of steps. Yep, falling down again. I think I'll write about that this weekend.

Mental P Mama said...

Well at least you can hold yourself unaccountable for your accidents. It's clearly in your DNA. I wish they'd get the Internet back. I want more emails from her...

Grandma J said...

My neighbor just knocked on my door as hard as she could. I almost didn't answer, but I sensed panic in her knock! Guess what she said?

her: "Are you OK?"
Me: "Yes, why do you ask"?
her: "well, I thought you were choking or calling for help." me: "no, I was laughing"...
and I shut the door. I guess my laughing hits decipals that send alarms throughout the compoound. and it's your fault CBW!

What a hoot your family is! "Two weiners on a charcoal spit", the reason for one of my outbursts.

My mother had one of those oscillating sprinklers that goes back and forth. One summer morning she ran outside to the backyard "for a split second" to move it to the other side of the backyard. She had to run so she wouldn't get wet...naked. Well as she tried to hurry back to the sliding patio door, she slipped on the wet cement and pulled a muscle in her back.....there shy lay as the sprinkler kept swaying back and forth, getting her soaked. Im the meantime, the man next door, shouted out his upstairs window "Rita, you can't sunbathe like that, my kids can see you from up here"....

Moms are the best, aren't they?

Oh, and I say the man on the dock? Jumps.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Grandma J. YOU have succeeded in making ME laugh out loud so hard that my son had to come downstairs to see what was happening. That naked lady/sprinkler story is just too much!

Bear Naked said...

Well I see the acorn didn't fall to far from the tree.
Not that I am calling you a nut CBW.

Bear((( )))

auds at barking mad said...

“….Dad’s in his drawers and I’m in my bikini and we’re sweating like two wieners on a charcoal spit. Maybe it’s time for an after-dark dash au naturale. Everybody thinks we are devil worshippers anyway.”

BEST LINE EVER! That was absolutely brilliant. Something to remember when I'm sitting here cursing under my breath about the summer time New England humidity.

Oh and you are not the only one who happens to have the middle name of "klutz." I happen know a certain someone *ahem* who ended up with 7 sitches in the bottom of her foot because she stepped on a Lego barefoot and then not four days later, ended up with a concussion from falling UP the stairs and smacking her head into the wall.

Talent like this HAS to be inherited!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

bn - We're all a bunch of nuts around here. It's a minimum requirement to live in Mathews. It says so on our promotional material.

auds- You're making me feel a whole lot better....I've only had stitches once and that was due to a head injury sustained as a child when I wasn't paying attention. NO MORE STITCHES. I've tripped up stairs too.

Oh, and MIDDLE SISTER, who is a GENIUS, has so kindly pointed out that porpoises do not have skulls and that, in fact, the skull belongs to a ICTHYSAURUS. THAT WAS MY SECOND GUESS. Middle Sister doesn't understand that many times I embellish OR DISTORT facts a bit to make things more interesting. PORPOISE SKULL is more descriptive than ICTHSAURUS. The bottom line is THERE IS A SKULL IN MY BASEMENT and if this skull had flesh on it, I think it would be shaped like a porpoise's head. I keep forgetting that her degree from U.VA. in sports psychology or physical education or whatever it was provided such a robust background in marine science. Thank you, Middle Sis, for that contribution. Please continue to correct me....

The One Who Got The A+ In Cinema as an Art Form in college when Middle Sis got a B or B- because she was so literal in her translation of things.....LOVE YOU!

foolery said...


This post MUST win a prize for making me laugh more than any this week, or possibly even longer, due both to the hilarity within the text AND the obnoxious and wonderful comments.

Jeebus, and I'm at work. Good thing my boss often e-mails me dirty jokes, or I might be fired.

All y'all are some funny. Stay outta July, C.B. Family.


Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Foolery - I don't want to get you fired but am glad you're laughing. Grandma J's comment alone has had me laughing all day. I explained it to my son and HE started dying laughing.

Did I mention that Middle Sister's birthday is in July? July 28th to be exact. Not that I am saying there is any correlation to mishaps and bad luck and her, I would never make that connection. That would be mean.

Anonymous said...

In the category of TMI, I have something to add. Our mother once sent a handwritten letter to me ( that's enough to be shocked about ) and after a few paragraphs of normalcy she wrote this:

P.S. Your daddy found a tick on the end of his p_nis today.

( I know, I know, kids are reading this blah blah blah.. but if they don't know what a p_nis is by now, then there's something wrong. They probably say that word on a daily basis at school anyway! )

Love, Lil Sis

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Little Sis, thanks for sharing. The only part of that story I have a hard time believing is her choice of word for where the tick actually was. In all my life I've never heard her say that, but then again I am still waiting for her to have The Talk with me.

Serenity now.

foolery said...

CBW and Little Sis,

In my house that particular tick buffet was known as a "fiddler." Which made "Fiddler on the Roof" a scream, when you're 8. Or 34. Or older than Jeebus.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

A fiddler, foolery? Never heard that one before. Did you know there is a fiddlers convention here in the far corners of Virginia every year? It attracts people far and wide.

That's what they say, anyway.

tj said...

...LOL!,LOL!,LOL!...OMG, I don't even know where to start!!! weinies on the spit, nude Rita & the sprinkler, porpoise skull or not a porpoise skull, fiddle playin' ticks...for cryin' out loud! I don't know when I laughed this much and for this long at any written form of anything! Wow - now I'm bush & whacked!

...CBW, you need a warning for readers to sport a pair of "Depends" before reading your blog! lol...I'm just sayin'... ;o)

...Thanks CBW & you girls for the laughs - this was priceless! And if I might add, my grandma would never say vagina, she would call it a "snibibble". Now that I think about it, that could be the title for a new children's book, "The Fiddle & The Snibibble" know, instead of "The Birds & The Bees", no? lol...

...Lord, I've got a headache now from laughing so hard... :oD

...Blessings to you

tj said...

...I meant, "Fiddler" Gosh, I'm surprised I could even type I was laughing so much... :o)

tj said...

...Oh, and one more bet is that guys lawnchair breaks and he falls off that dock and into the water below. Once again, I'm just sayin' ;o)

MommyTime said...

NOW I know part of where the hilarious comes from: your mother is very funny too. I love the image of her dancing around nekkid in the moonlight.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

tj - I've just added SNIBIBBLE to my list of all-time favorite words. I will be using it frequently and with gusto. I"m considering using a French accent....

m-time- She is hilarious. Really. And I've asked her to contribute some more, which she is more than happy to do.

Happy Saturday, everyone.

cats said...

Hey, This is good stuff. The fiddler and snibibble meet for the first time. This could be a title for a top ten selling book. love it. Yes, your mom could do the commercial, " I've fallen and I can't get up" She is so very lucky to always manage to not get hurt very badly. I have fallen off my deck before, tripped and fallen in holes in the woods and got my foot caught in ropes before. AT work one time MY co-workers were saying "my foot's caught in the rope" because I did that at work in front of everybody. Ha

Anonymous said...

CBW: I discovered you in comments elsewhere and decided to take a stroll on over to your site. I tripped on a few ants getting here, but that's OK.
What is up with a porpoise skull in your basement? I hope it wasn't held hostage in your cellar. Did you torture it while wearing your guerilla slippers? I need to know.
--MomZombie (owner of an antelope skull)

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

cats - It evidently runs in the family...

two eggs - My uncle was a marine biology major and he collected every known specimen of water creatures. I don't know how the skull found its way into my basement, but it did. Unfortunately.

Grandma J said...

ok CBW, I posted about the sprinkler mishap just to make you happy. My job for the day is done, so I'm headed to the pool to find more compound foder.