Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Dentist

Here's another Gwynn's Island sunset to kick off a discussion of one of my most dreaded fears: the dentist.

I live in absolute, mortal fear of the dentist. In fact, I am so afraid of a dentist I haven't been to one in over seven years, and that was only to have him tell me that I needed to see an oral surgeon ASAP because if I didn't I could look forward to a long life of creamed spinach and PoliGrip. Seven years later, I'm in big trouble because I did not heed his advice. But actually this is not a story about my fear of the dentist, it's about my mother's.

The following is something she wrote many moons ago. It stunned me because although she is well acquainted with my mental dental issues, I was completely unaware of hers. Here's what she wrote:
"On visiting the dentist, I find I have somewhat the same reaction as my dog when visiting the vet, although I try to focus on not falling to my knees and p**ing the floor in abject paralytic fear. Still, hiding your feelings is a peculiarly human trait and Rover has no evolutionary predisposition to grin and say, "I'm here for my root canal/neutering," with a cheery if somewhat high-pitched voice.

One dental experience of mine stands out in memory for its surrealistic example of why people should just stop and listen to the clues of the cosmos, which come in the forms of prophetic words, images and combinations of those to which you can refer after the ordeal of agony and say, "I just should have listened to the warnings."

Warning #1: The dental surgeon you are seeing is named Dr. Paine, Dr. Savage or Dr. Sharp (I did select one of those).

Warning #2: No one else is in the waiting room and you overhear the nurse telling someone to apply ice and a crucifix. No one else is there. No one.

Warning #3: Once in the chair, you are told to turn your head 360 degrees, open your mouth to receive a collapsible device which, once inside, expands to life raft proportions. You notice he has the personality of a gallows noose. At that point he asks many questions designed to relax you, such as, "How are your children?" Your back is arched like a cat's and your nails are dug into the fine leather of his very expensive operating chair. The last thing you want to go into are explanations of your children, as much as you love them. Now, clearly, it is too late to do anything but sit there and take it. Woe is you.

No, that's not going to happen to me again, no sir. I'm taking a page out of the Book of Rover when I smell the first molecule of doubt.

Unless someone drags me by a leash."

-Chesapeake Bay Woman's Mother

In other unrelated news, last night, just after I said to someone that I never EVER fall going up steps, I fell going up some steps outside. I came down hard on some very large rocks. I'm missing a large chunk of a finger, and my chin feels like there's something missing, such as a chin.

All this plus my teeth are falling out. I guess I'd better see a dentist.

Somebody get a leash.


Mental P Mama said...

Oh. My. God. There seems to be a whole lot of falling down these days. I hope everything is okay. The dentists are better nowadays. I promise. Lots of magical potions. Good luck!

Auds at Barking Mad said...

I am SO glad I am not the only person I know who falls UP the stairs! Hope there is nothing seriously hurt though. The chin thing sounds like it could be bad.

As far as your mother, she rocks! She is hilarious! But yeah, dentists suck. Although, I went recently and they gave me something beforehand, don't recall what it was but it TOTALLY relaxed. Otherwise much like that dog on a leash, I would have peed all over myself and the dentists expensive leather chair!

Oh btw...are you serious? Spider infestation? Because after I read your comment on my blog, I have seriously considered calling my realtor! I'd take a fiddler crab invasion ANY DAY over spiders! Word!

tj said...

...Well CBW, I'm beginnin' to think you need not only a helmet but a chin guard and elbow and knee guards as well...lol ;o)

...I see where you get your awesome writing style and sense of humor from - your mom. You and her should really be discussing a book deal!

...Hope all goes well with you at the dentist's office. We're pullin' for ya! lol... Okay, okay, no pun intended... :oD

...Loads o' laughing gas & blessings too... :o)

Big Hair Envy said...

I hope you are alright! Just blame your falling on the infestation :) It has thrown you off balance.

Your mom is a fantastic writer - must be genetic!

Dr. Sharp took out my wisdom teeth in 1983. My current GP is Dr. Payne. In 1983, Dr. Payne (who went to my high school) was dating Dr. Sharp's daughter. Go figure!

Grandma J said...

Sometimes I think vets show more compassion than dentists. Maybe you should go see a vet instead. I wish I had.

Carin Fuchs said...

My dentist is very cute and very young, in fact I've wondered more then once that his mummy should have let him go out playing on his own! The good thing is I'll tower him for about 15cm, plus I am about 10kg heavier then he is! So whenever my dentist should take his "professional skills" too far I know what I need to do! I just need to get up and let myself fall on top of him! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
I never was afraid to see my dentist and I DON'T have very good teeth! It is almost always painful but it is most of the time fun too, because I never forget to tell him that - what he is doing is actually a method to torture someone (I think we've all seen Marathon Man!)and if life would be only a bit fair he'll need to answer oneday for his cruelty towards me!
BTW My dentist name (translated) means: BUTCHER! LOL LOL LOL LOL

foolery said...

I Stumbled this. Still laughing. Jeez louise, the crabapple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? Which is good, because it would be MOWN DOWN by a hell-bent CBW with a toothache.

Some of my favorite people are dentists. I have a great one. He's kind, and gentle, and smart, and diligent, and his name is Dr. Vacation Home, DDS.

I want to meet you and your mom. Will this be possible, from my tent on your lawn?

Mental P Mama said...

I'm coming when Foolery does...how are you doing this evening?

HRH said...

OMG. This is so true. I too have had issues not peeing on the dentist's floor.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Hey, everyone. It's been a most unusually busy day here at The Ranch and it had nothing to do with infestations or near-death experiences that include missing teeth or chins.

Thank y'all for stopping by, and know that stuff is still going on 'round here and I have to work the paying job tomorrow. If I'm lucky I'll post an update or a downdate late this evening; otherwise I'll just be back on here tomorrow night.

Much to report, including a visit to a crab factory today (I'll keep you guessing), plus another sinking boat, plus major upheaval that may or may not be reportable on the internet.

In other words, another day in Mathews. In the life of Chesapeake Bay Woman. Soon to be Eastern State Hospital patient.

Keeper Of All Things said...

That's funny...your mom's just as funny as you!!
And falling up stairs.......that's an art!!!

Heidi said...

I have a SISTER!!!! I hate that dentist.....any dentist!!! I would rather have children without an epidural than sit in that chair - at least with having babies you can SEE what you paid for!!! LOL

Anonymous said...

Um, if you would have gone to the dentist every 6 months for your painless cleaning, you wouldn't have to worry about buying creamed spinach and poligrip. It's not bad at all. All you have to do is take a chill pill or drink a bottle of wine, and then you'll be fine. I'm making you an appt. with a sedation dentist ( in other words, dentist for total WUSSES ) asap. If he tells you bad news, I'll just go out and buy some fake fangs. No poligrip needed!