Thursday, July 10, 2008

Wanted: Serenity

This calm, serene photo of the bay is just what I need right about now. Today, which is yesterday when y'all read this, I had to endure a most cruel and unusual form of torture that surprisingly does not involve ants, storms or sisters.

Today, after an entire week of one mishap after the other, I was asked to report to Rinky Dink Hospital next county over to have a nerve conduction test performed. In case you don't know what that is, let me explain: DON'T EVER GET ONE OF THESE. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

A nerve conduction test involves three things: electrical shocks that would kill a small mammal and most birds; needles plunged into your legs, feet and back along every nerve you have--and some you didn't realize you had--as the doctor practices his butter churning moves; and an utter disbelief that this isn't the 1600's given how barbaric the procedure is. The doctor should have just stuck some leeches on me and sent me off with a rabbit's foot for good luck.

The end result was this: I have damaged a nerve in my leg that in all probability is caused from sitting with my legs crossed too long and too often. It couldn't possibly be from all the sitting I do here in front of my beloved computer. No, it can't be that. Of course, the other possibilities include MS, brain tumor, Lou Gehrig's disease and DEATH. The shaman says it is likely the leg crossing thing and it may take a year for the damage to be repaired.

Oh, and speaking of ants (I thought I heard someone speak of ants, maybe it was the voices inside my head), here's what happened after that picnic. I came home and decided to wage war on the ants by spreading POISON around the perimeter of the house. With my head down and all my attention on making sure that each ant received its own personalized pellet of death, I did not see the dryer vent sticking out the side of the house and clunked my head right on it.

Now I have a knot on my forehead.

My last nerve has been plucked.


p.s. Happy Birthday to frequent and incredibly funny commenter, Ms. Foolery. Here is hoping you have a fantastic, fun-filled, stress-free day. (Can I have one of those too?)


Grandma J said...

Oh no! Thanks for the warning. I would die having that test. and I would cry like a baby. Cut my leg off.
Happy Birthday to foolery, blogger extraordinaire, and someone who makes me well as being the founder and world's first member Blog*Hus.

CBW, your talents are showing! AARRRR

Keeper Of All Things said...

Proving once again that girls that spread thier legs......are in better shape!
And the dryer vent thing

Keeper Of All Things said...

just a thought Maybe you should hang your clothes out like your parents.Get rid of the vent!

Sage said...

Hope you have recoverred now from both the test and the clunk on the head... did laugh at the latter and grimace at the former.

MommyTime said...

I've just read my way through 5 days of posts, trying to catch up with you. I do so love your writing. And your photos. And your hilarity. While I am sorry that your boat is sinking and ants are threatening to carry off your house, I wonder if perhaps you could get them to help you instead of killing them? Why not ask them to carry off the boat instead? I saw ants on the Discover channel once build a bridge made out of their own bodies to cross a 10 foot wide river. Surely if they can do that, they can raise up a boat a few inches and help bail. I think they owe you that much. I don't know how to train them, but there must be directions online somewhere. EVERYTHING is on the Internet, you know.

I hope your nerves get better. (I'm sure my assvice will help that process a lot.)

tj said...

...Well holy moly CBW! I'm surprised they didn't give you a slug of whiskey and a bullet to bite on! ;o) ...And I have now uncrossed my legs and am sitting like a man. It isn't pretty mind you...

...There for a moment I thought you was gonna say that the dryer was going and the air coming out of the vent sent the ant pellets back up atcha! I'm glad that didn't happen by the way and I'm sorry about the bump on the head too. I'm sure the ants got a good laugh tho' Can I start over? :o)

...Oh and "Happy Birthday" Miss Fool'ry! She's so dadgum funny - much like yourself there CBW! ;o)

...Hope you get to feeling better!

...Blessings... :o)

foolery said...

Oh holy moly CBW, that sounds TORTUOUS! I'm so sorry.

I have inherited varicose veins from both parents and have had them since I was in high school. Now when I sit at the computer (at home) I spend as much time with my feet up on the corner of the desk as I can, which is fine while reading but a bummer while typing. Will have to work some more on typing with my heels. I recommend you give my methods a try.

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes! I'll join y'all in that bucket of wine!

-- Laurie @ Foolery

Big Hair Envy said...

I've been to Rinky Dink Hospital. In fact, many of my relatives have been tortured, um treated,there. For the record, they keep the leeches out back.

I left a message on your "Sunshine" post explaining why we can't get together for lunch :( We'll have to formulate another plan.

Hope your weekend makes up for your week :)

BTW - Great job on the link thing! You have it mastered.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

gj - Thanks to you (and soup) for walking me through this linking stuff. I greatly appreciate it.

keeper - excellent point, I hadn't considered that. oh, and I like the clothes line suggestion too....

sage - every day of my life seems straight from the three stooges. only i think they had a little more sense....and better luck.

mommytime - thank you so much. these ants are so spiteful, they'd never help me with anything, although that is a great thought. no, these are the sort of ants who, upon seeing me crying in the boat trying to save myself from being overcome by gas and oil fumes, would light a match and watch me blow up. and then laugh.

tj - i've been sitting like a man for two days now, and i don't like it one bit. it's a horrible habit to break this leg crossing thing. oh, and they don't make enough alcohol to make that test comfortable. lastly, i managed to drag the poison pellets back into the house when, naturally, i did not take off my shoes after spreading --and stepping in--the poison. Why? because my FOREHEAD HAD JUST BEEN CLUNKED and I was frantic that I wouldn't make it to the phone to call 911. So now I am anticipating that one or all of us will accidentally consume the poison. It's just a matter of time.

foolery-I think your methods are worth trying. i'll start with propping my feet up on the desk. i like it. maybe i can eventually work my way to just lying horizontal and suspending the keyboard from the ceiling.

bhe - sorry, my fault, i rarely go back and read comments on older posts and heaven knows i have no idea how to rig the comments to let me know if someone leaves a new one - oh, no, that would involve skills that i just do not possess. anyway, i am sure we could find a place, perpaps in the vicinity of Rinky Dink Hospital, that would work.

Happy Friday, everyone.

Mental P Mama said...

Good grief. I hope you are on the mend very soon. Ouch.

Big Hair Envy said...

Do you ever find yourself in the vicinity of Stinky Town? That might be another option. We'll work on this.

Anonymous said...

Did the doctor prescribe more wine to drink? He shoulda.

Sorry about the torture treatment. Maybe it comes from all that lawn mowing? Maybe you can get a doctor's excuse to not mow?

BTW, another MONEY photo of the Bay!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

mpm - thank you. it's all behind me, including the bump to the head.

bhe - stinky town is very close. although i don't go there often, it would not take long to get there, in fact i used to help coach mhs track and most every meet was at stinky town high school, so i am used to going there.

sinaff - thank you. i have so many bay photos i don't even need to take any more. and each one is different. also, while the doctor did not prescribe more wine, i am taking it upon myself to assume that if one glass soothes my poor needle-poked and shocked nerves, then two glasses must be even better, and so on and so on and so on.

Bear Naked said...

Ouch Ouch Ouch

Hope you're feeling a bit better.

Now after reading your post I had to uncross my legs.
I don't like it one bit.

Oh and by the way since you posted about your ant problem, guess what has come to visit at my home in the Great White North.

They said CBW sent them to visit.
Thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!NOT

Bear((( )))

Grandma J said...

CBW, You can get automatic notifications of new comments. Go to your Blogger Settings, then Comments, at the very bottom where it says Comment Notification, you can put up to 10 email addresses. Anytime someone comments on your site you will get an email notifiying you which post they commented on.

You'd be surprised how many people will comment on an old post.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

bn - i am not kidding. you have an INFESTATION. where there is one there are SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION that can be seen with the naked eye and ten times that amount underground and THEN THEY COME ON VACATION WITH YOU. If you want to start a support group, I am here for you.

Dear Grandma J., can I come to TX and take blogging lessons from you, I will pay you, seriously, because I am really amazed at how much you have taught me in two days alone...I have SEARCHED this doggone Help section a million times over and, well anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH, Bloghus! I really mean it, the fact that I can even link now is nothing short of amazing.

Happy Weekend everyone.

Grandma J said...

LOL. You are welcome to come to TX anytime.

Don't worry about the Pico Y Gallo or whatever it is. HSH is putting hers on ebay, so maybe you can too.

cats said...

I'm sorry you had to endure so much. Yes, my husband went throug that same grueling test. I think it is awful and in this day and time, they should come up with a better test. It is like the doctors enjoy inflicting pain on others. Damn Sadists.
Ouch, the bump on the head. Maybe that was a sign to not make fun of clothesliners. HA!