Monday, May 11, 2009

A Day in the Life

This is from Commenter Breezeway's lovely Gwynn's Island cottage a few weeks back. After reading about a typical Chesapeake Bay Woman weekend, you'll understand why I return time and again to these tranquil scenes. They're very therapeutic.

For Mother's Day, Chesapeake Bay Daughter colored me an incredibly beautiful card, and Chesapeake Bay Son created a high-tech card using photos taken from his DSi-SomethingSomething and the computer.

Both cards warmed my heart, but Chesapeake Bay Son's struck a particular chord because it provides a tiny glimpse into the insanity daily trials and tribulations we deal with around here.

Below is the dissection of his card, where I share a statement he makes followed by my explanation of the event. Best of luck trying to keep up. If you're sleepy you may wish to lay your head down and take a brief nap. This whole thing will be over before you start begging for mercy know it.

For everyone else, here we go.

CB Son wrote:
Happy Mother's Day!

Let's hope that none of these daily events occur on Mother's Day!

(He shows a picture of our sleeping cat here.)

1. Sick cat makes you have to drive out of county while mother further frustrates you

CBW explains:
On Thursday, our favorite cat became ill. CBW said, "Oh, he'll be OK." CB Son could see otherwise and went next door to get my mother, who promptly declared that the cat was going to die immediately if not yesterday if we didn't get him to a vet.

The only problem? All the vets were kicked back enjoying Dancing with the Stars closed for the night, but Dr. Skinner in Hartfield agreed to meet us in his Middlesex office about 15 minutes away. The drama, the frantic instructions, the sniping involved with contacting a non-Dancing-With-Stars-watching an after-hours vet who wasn't 3 states away, packing a very sick cat into a clothes basket, listening to him howl all the way there while trying to block out the sounds of my mother describing in painful detail how the cat was going to die (in front of howling cat, CB Daughter and CB Son, all of whom were blinking back tears, especially me the cat) was definitely frustrating, and this is but a brief version of the story.

The cat is recovering nicely; the verdict on my status has not been reached.

(Next he has a photo of CB Daughter pointing behind her to a blazing fire spanning 20 feet wide and Eiffel-Tower-feet high.)

CB Son then said:
2. Father rides around on 3-wheeled contraption and decides to start a very stressful fire that might burn down the yard. But it's okay, he used diesel to light it not gasoline.

CBW Explains:
Not too long ago, the Chesapeake Bay Children and I were enjoying a quiet moment on the back patio as the sun went down. Before you could say, "Smokey Bear might have something to say about this potential wildfire," the entire yard was up in flames as my father torched a burn pile. He explained that it was not dangerous due to the use of diesel fuel vs. gasoline. Evidently diesel fuel is safer than gasoline as an ignitor.

While this may well be true, the mere fact that my eyebrows were singed and I was a mile away there was discussion about which flammable substance was being used to stoke flames resembling the Great Chicago Fire really seemed irrelevant to the overall point which was this: THE ENTIRE BACK YARD IS ON FIRE.

(Then he shows a picture of a nasty slug or larvae-looking thing.)

He ends with this:

3. Mutant infestation of moths/ants taints the food supply and causes screaming that can be heard a mile away.

We hope that none of this happens on your day off, Mom!

Love, Chesapeake Bay Son

CBW Complains Explains:
If anyone has any doubt that on a daily--if not hourly--basis I scream due to an infestation of one sort of another, please believe Chesapeake Bay Son.

We have mutant infestations which taint the food supply.

We have drama.

Which causes screaming.

That can be heard.

Miles and miles away.

Every single day.

The Merciful End.


Grandma J said...

Oh how I wish you could post that card! Your son sounds like a very interesting child. Infestations? I can't wait to see an infestation in July. Just as long as it's not in my coffee.

My grandson in CA was telling me about his pet snail, and the habitat that he built for him,complete with a waterway and a raft made from leaves. He told me he found out on the internet that snails eat cabbage...I told him they will get gas. I think he's gonna change the snails diet.

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

Just can't wait to come see it all live and in person!

Mental P Mama said...

Those apples sure don't fall far away, do they?

Anonymous said...

You may have told me this, but is Twinkie the cat in the basket? Anyway, glad he's OK.

Hope none of those things happened on Mother's Day....and keep Daddy away from the diesel fuel, if you can.

Middle Sis

Anonymous said...

Your children's brains are permanently warped and will never know a normal life....just like their mother! :)

Happy Mother's Day
(a day late...typical male)

(single male blog stalker)

Caution Flag said...

You and your son sound like clones. In a good way! I do hope the day was mercifully quiet.

Lynne M. said...

WOW!! How old is your son? Quite an imagination (or memory)... My son (13) also made a home-made card for me. I am pregnant and he drew a baby in a carseat! It is so cute! Of course I couldn't find it this morning... I hope you did actually have a wonderful Mother's Day and that none of that stuff happened - especially the cat!!

P.S. - You better watch out for that SMBS!!

Pueblo girl said...

Nice to see that your son has your well-being at heart...

Daryl said...

I love coming here and laughing my flat Jewish ass off .. I adore the strike outs (did you notice I have been copy-catting you?) and I am so looking forward to experiencing this all first hand ... July cannot come soon enough!

foolery said...

Dear CBFather,

With regard to fire, HOW WE GOT HERE is less important than WHERE WE ARE. You are probably infinitely calmer than the female members of your family, but you do need them to survive the weekends and live long, healthy lives, so please -- STOP SCARING THEM WITH THE FLAMETHROWER. ; )

Respectfully yours,

Another Firebug

p.s. Love your son's sense of humor, and I know just where he gets it. : )

Grandma J said...

Ummmmm, I think SMBS is flirting with you.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

GJ-His card is unbelievable. If either of your grandkids have one of those DS-i thingies you won't believe what it can do. Don't ask me what, though, because i dont understand any of it. But CB Son is practically his own publishing company. On an unrelated note, I'd never heard that about snails. Didn't realize they could get gas. I mean, didn't realize they liked cabbage.

Meg-You won't believe it. (I promise I won't give you any shrimp after reading your post from today.)

MPM-He's absolutely hilarious and does tend to have his mother's same warped sense of humor, poor thing.

Middle Sis - Yes, it was Twinkie, the King Cat of all cats, the most beloved cat. He has a really awful infection that has caused facial paralysis and other atrocities. He's on every medicine ever invented and then some. Hopefully he'll recover but nobody knows for certain what the verdict will be.

SMBS-Yes, he's ruined for life but he makes the most of it. Hope you had a good weekend.

Caution Flag-CB Son is smarter than I am. Thanks the day was very quiet and peaceful.

Lynn-My son is 13 also. Hope you enjoyed your day too. (Do I read this to say that you are currently pregnant or he just drew you up as pregnant? If you are and you need any baby clothes, let me know. I have 42 million boxes and bags ready to go to DAV in Gloucester.)

Pueblo girl - He does and he takes very good care of me.

Daryl - I'm glad I can make somebody besides myself and my children laugh. I would visit your site more often but I cannot load it on this ridiculous dial-up internet. The strike through thing is addicting, isn't it? If you're laughing at this, just wait until you see it all live and in person. This is why I keep saying we need a reality TV show. Words do not do it justice, you must see it to fully appreciate it.

Foolery-Et tu? CB Father actually read CB Son's card and did not crack a smile. I'm sure he doesn't have any idea how freaked out we were that our eyelashes were lying strewn at our feet and our lung lining had third degree burns. You can show off your fire skills all you want here assuming we don't have any burn bans at the time.

GJ-I wouldn't know flirting if it hit me square between the eyes. He's just stalking that's all.

Have a great evening. I'm off the next two days and working Thursday and Friday, so this might be the first Monday evening where I feel relaxed and calm even though I've not written one single word for tomorrow's post. Nada. Zip.

Anonymous said...

LOL! I remember that fire! I was driving home and it looked like half of Hallieford was on fire. Further investigation showed it was coming from down your lane.

If we ever get a fire marshall I will make sure to report it.


Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Anonymous Hallieford Resident: We do have a fire marshall--she's a fire marshall in training.

Her name is Chesapeake Bay Woman, and she will make sure the fire does not leap across the creek to Hallieford, although she cannot guarantee the safety of any of the residents of The Lane on Which She Resides. If she's not burned alive, she'll dial 911 before the fire dances down the lane.

This is one instance where she is very glad for all this rain we've had lately. Otherwise, she'd be talking to you now via a cajun blackened computer.

Annie said...

All very the photo..hope the cat will be ok for you all...your kids sound like fun..just like you...!!

Discovered it is this week we are going to Richmond..on I still have to do my washing. Well actually only some hand washing...

You don't happen to work in Richmond?

Arrive Wednesday , daughter has meeting Thursday (I am helping to mind baby I presume)...they have wedding Saturday...(I am helping to mind baby again)...will have to email you ...and drink more coffee to keep me awake to do the washing tonight!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Annie- E-mail me...I may be able to get to Richmond. This particular week I'm off Tuesday and Wednesday, working Thursday and Friday.

You sure are doing a lot of traveling. I hope your coffee is high octane.

Anonymous said...

Grandma J
You have me pegged.
But alas, the planets are aligned against me. When ever I get do CBW to respond (which is rarely) she just tells me that I need to get out more often (which is probably true).

Probably for best. I'm a real push-over when it comes to blonds with southern accents.

(Single Male Blog Stalker)

Anonymous said...

Lynne M.
I'm don't even know me :)!


Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Dear Single Stalker - I promise I won't tell you to get out more often. At least not this month. Thank you, stalk again soon.

p.s. Can you still stalk and be the pool boy at the same time? Oh wait. I don't have a pool. Guess you'll have to settle for stalking.

Anonymous said...

Aw shucks...
Does this mean you'd want to see me in my inner-tube again?

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Dear Single Stalker-The effort required to stifle my standard response is significant, but since I'm giving you a one-month reprieve, I'll refrain.

In other news, thanks for making me laugh.