Gardening 101/911

This was taken at Aaron's Beach that day I was caught behind a senior citizen driver and missed the most spectacular sunrise sky ever. Madder than a wet hen, I pointed the camera directly into the sun which goes against every rule ever spread as propaganda in most photography manuals.

Speaking of going against rules, let's talk about my gardening skills. This will not take long. In fact, we're practically done.

It's time for another chapter in the Chesapeake Bay Woman's Home and Garden series.

Today we're going to review one way the best way to plant a garden if by "garden" you mean "produce section of the grocery store in lieu of garden".

Let's start by taking a quick quiz to assess where we stand in our gardening capabilities.

1. The best time to plant a garden is:

a) When you've never planted one before;

b) After you've killed every single indoor house plant;

c) Some time in the spring after you realize that a tomato with all the flavor and consistency of particle board costs the same per ounce in the grocery store
as gold.

2. The first step is to prepare the soil which entails what?

a) Reading a book on proper soil preparation techniques;

b) Insert sounds of crickets chirping and dogs howling here. Then insert a picture of CBW shrugging her shoulders as she twists her mouth and rolls her eyes. See, she's never planted a garden before.

c) Preparing the soil. Whatever that entails. It's also helpful if you select a spot to plant this garden even prior to preparing the soil. But of course I don't need to tell you this.

3. Since it's too late to start plants from seeds--notwithstanding your lack of skills to start anything from seed--travel to a nursery and peruse the selection of vegetable plants.

What's the best way to approach this?

a) Wake up on a Saturday. Drink coffee. Check blog. Drink coffee. Check blog. Drink coffee. Caffeinate self enough to become motivated to drive to Tatterson's Greenhouse in Port Haywood. Just to look. For best results, do not plan anything up to and including where your garden will be and what sorts of plants might do well in your chosen spot.

b) Wander around aimlessly. After figuring out which plants are for flower beds and which are for vegetable gardens, take a break and come back later because by the time you've figured this out the nursery is shutting down for the day.

c) Spend some time contemplating which type and how many plants you want. You might consider where you'll plant these prior to the trip to the nursery, but planning things out to that level of detail is not in your vernacular something you can strive for next year.

4. After you've purchased what you consider to be an appropriate number of plants for the garden you've really not even designated yet, what happens?

a) You realize you have to pick a spot and pull weeds. Just thinking about this brings droplets of sweat to your forehead and you feel that it's becoming harder to breathe. Take a break, there's no need to over do it now, is there?

b) Begin pulling some weeds. After two or three tugs at the devil known as crab grass, break into a sweat resembling Niagara Falls. Realize you don't have the patience or stamina for this sort of work. Take a break to review where you stand. And who you can call.

c) Realize you've purchased way too many plants and you do not have the patience to plant any of them, much less pull the crab grass. Besides it's way too hot and tomorrow's Mother's Day. Which makes this Mother's Day Eve. Which is practically Mother's Day for goodness sakes. Take a break.

5. After you realize you have no idea what you're doing or why you thought for one minute you could do this perhaps bitten off more than you can chew, what now?

a) Take a break on the back porch in the shade as the breeze blows across your sweaty brow. Close your eyes and reflect on the situation. Marvel at the symphony of birds. Breathe in the scent of the nearby rose bush.

b) Take a nap. Wonder what you're going to do about all this. Wonder for only five seconds. Nap for an hour.

c) Realize tomorrow's Mother's Day and you've not purchased anything for your mother since you were too busy with this gardening nonsense.

d) Give plants to mother who has two green thumbs.

e) Eagerly await the 62 different varieties never mind how many individual plants ruby red tomatoes and the jalapeno, poblano, sweet banana and chili peppers which will be taking over our lives kitchens. Consider that you may want to research storage techniques such as canning.

f) Make note to self that Chesapeake Bay Mother not only needs to plant and maintain these vegetables, but she'll need some Mason jars for canning.

The End.