Home Improvement

This is a picture of the killer rosebush that--any day now--will overtake the house and poke us to death with her thorns. This plant has some sort of thyroid problem--gigantism, maybe?--that has caused it to grow out of control.

Speaking of out of control, welcome to another edition of Chesapeake Bay Woman's Guide to Home Improvement.

Today we're going to learn how to properly secure your daughter's bulletin board to her bedroom wall.

Warning: Do not try this at home unless you're crazy loco trained in the proper use of hand tools and/or have taken at least one extra large Valium.

Let's begin.

1. When Daughter says she wants a bulletin board, buy her one. Place it on her desk and leave it there unopened for one whole year so that every time you walk into her room you're reminded of yet another project that needs doing.

2. Discuss where your daughter would like the bulletin board hung. Then disregard what she says and select what you think is the best spot, which is next to the door and just above the light switch.

3. Remove plastic wrap and curse under your breath when you notice it's made by Rose Art. Welcome to the trap known as Rose Art, where they lure you with cheap prices and then turn you into a stark raving maniac when whatever the product is doesn't work or breaks or both. Feel heat creeping up your neck like a vine.

4. Briefly scan the instructions and notice there is some talk about drywall screws being enclosed, and also you will need a drill. Feel that vine of heat start to tighten its grip on your throat as it races right up your neck to envelop your head.

5. Tell Chesapeake Bay Daughter you'll be right back after you get a hammer since you don't own a drill.

6. Commence to hammering the drywall screw into the wall. As with all Chesapeake Bay Woman home projects, be sure all your critical paperwork is in order lest something should happen, such as going blind from drywall and paint chips which drop into your eyes as you hammer a fastener that is supposed to be drilled. Feel a bead of sweat--or twenty--sprout from your forehead.

7. Continue to mercilessly hammer the plastic drywall screw until it breaks and/or there's a gaping hole in the wall. Feel the steam bursting from your ears like a boiling teapot inside a pressure cooker.

8. Tell Daughter there is a reason you don't do this stuff, namely that, quite frankly, you do not possess the skills or patience to hang a bulletin board and can provide no earthly reason why you thought you ever could do it. Say this through gritted teeth and notice the awkward silence when Daughter does not respond because one false move and she knows what happens next: mushroom cloud forms over house.

9. Drop the hammer and get some nails. Take a pencil and mark off where the nails should be hammered, except don't measure anything, just look at the bulletin board, look at the wall and make some marks on it with the pencil. Do not use a level or anything. This only takes away from the surprise of the finished product.

10. Try to hang the bulletin board on the thumb-tack sized nails you retrieved. Actually, they're so small they may well be brads. When bulletin board will not adhere to wall, drop hammer on the floor (barely missing feet) and stomp downstairs, mumbling the whole while that you cannot do it and will have to call CB Father to come do it. Mop sweat off brow.

11. Notice the eerie silence coming from CB Daughter's section of the room as she processes the scene unfolding. Actually, CB Daughter knows exactly what is going on because she has seen this scene unfold on a daily basis far too often whenever CBW attempts to complete anything a project.

12. Oversee a knock-down, drag-out fight between the CBW who cannot complete the project and the CBW who refuses to give up in spite of her incompetence.

13. Tromp back upstairs, pick up hammer, and take frustrations out on wall, nails, bulletin board and hammer as rivers of sweat pour down your neck and back.

13. Voila! The bulletin board is somehow magically affixed to the wall. Ignore the fact that it's crooked and appears to be covering a corner of the light switch.

14. Apologize to Daughter for ugly display; laugh with her when she finally starts laughing at you. Peel off sweaty clothes saturated with a heavy dose of animosity towards bulletin boards, hammers, drywall screws, instruction booklets and all most projects relating to the home.

15. Notice the broom/mop holder you recently purchased to hang inside the door of the broom closet. See on the package that it says a drill is required. Hardware is included. Feel the heat begin to climb up your neck again. But then take a deep breath and relax.

16. You just bought it. It needs to sit there for at least another year.

Disclaimer: No children, psyches or toes were harmed in the hanging of this bulletin board. However, be advised that should that bulletin board ever fall down--for example, in about two days--there will be several large holes in that drywall that will need fixing.

By anyone but me.