Friday, May 29, 2009

Home Improvement

This is a picture of the killer rosebush that--any day now--will overtake the house and poke us to death with her thorns. This plant has some sort of thyroid problem--gigantism, maybe?--that has caused it to grow out of control.

Speaking of out of control, welcome to another edition of Chesapeake Bay Woman's Guide to Home Improvement.

Today we're going to learn how to properly secure your daughter's bulletin board to her bedroom wall.

Warning: Do not try this at home unless you're crazy loco trained in the proper use of hand tools and/or have taken at least one extra large Valium.

Let's begin.

1. When Daughter says she wants a bulletin board, buy her one. Place it on her desk and leave it there unopened for one whole year so that every time you walk into her room you're reminded of yet another project that needs doing.

2. Discuss where your daughter would like the bulletin board hung. Then disregard what she says and select what you think is the best spot, which is next to the door and just above the light switch.

3. Remove plastic wrap and curse under your breath when you notice it's made by Rose Art. Welcome to the trap known as Rose Art, where they lure you with cheap prices and then turn you into a stark raving maniac when whatever the product is doesn't work or breaks or both. Feel heat creeping up your neck like a vine.

4. Briefly scan the instructions and notice there is some talk about drywall screws being enclosed, and also you will need a drill. Feel that vine of heat start to tighten its grip on your throat as it races right up your neck to envelop your head.

5. Tell Chesapeake Bay Daughter you'll be right back after you get a hammer since you don't own a drill.

6. Commence to hammering the drywall screw into the wall. As with all Chesapeake Bay Woman home projects, be sure all your critical paperwork is in order lest something should happen, such as going blind from drywall and paint chips which drop into your eyes as you hammer a fastener that is supposed to be drilled. Feel a bead of sweat--or twenty--sprout from your forehead.

7. Continue to mercilessly hammer the plastic drywall screw until it breaks and/or there's a gaping hole in the wall. Feel the steam bursting from your ears like a boiling teapot inside a pressure cooker.

8. Tell Daughter there is a reason you don't do this stuff, namely that, quite frankly, you do not possess the skills or patience to hang a bulletin board and can provide no earthly reason why you thought you ever could do it. Say this through gritted teeth and notice the awkward silence when Daughter does not respond because one false move and she knows what happens next: mushroom cloud forms over house.

9. Drop the hammer and get some nails. Take a pencil and mark off where the nails should be hammered, except don't measure anything, just look at the bulletin board, look at the wall and make some marks on it with the pencil. Do not use a level or anything. This only takes away from the surprise of the finished product.

10. Try to hang the bulletin board on the thumb-tack sized nails you retrieved. Actually, they're so small they may well be brads. When bulletin board will not adhere to wall, drop hammer on the floor (barely missing feet) and stomp downstairs, mumbling the whole while that you cannot do it and will have to call CB Father to come do it. Mop sweat off brow.

11. Notice the eerie silence coming from CB Daughter's section of the room as she processes the scene unfolding. Actually, CB Daughter knows exactly what is going on because she has seen this scene unfold on a daily basis far too often whenever CBW attempts to complete anything a project.

12. Oversee a knock-down, drag-out fight between the CBW who cannot complete the project and the CBW who refuses to give up in spite of her incompetence.

13. Tromp back upstairs, pick up hammer, and take frustrations out on wall, nails, bulletin board and hammer as rivers of sweat pour down your neck and back.

13. Voila! The bulletin board is somehow magically affixed to the wall. Ignore the fact that it's crooked and appears to be covering a corner of the light switch.

14. Apologize to Daughter for ugly display; laugh with her when she finally starts laughing at you. Peel off sweaty clothes saturated with a heavy dose of animosity towards bulletin boards, hammers, drywall screws, instruction booklets and all most projects relating to the home.

15. Notice the broom/mop holder you recently purchased to hang inside the door of the broom closet. See on the package that it says a drill is required. Hardware is included. Feel the heat begin to climb up your neck again. But then take a deep breath and relax.

16. You just bought it. It needs to sit there for at least another year.

Disclaimer: No children, psyches or toes were harmed in the hanging of this bulletin board. However, be advised that should that bulletin board ever fall down--for example, in about two days--there will be several large holes in that drywall that will need fixing.

By anyone but me.


Karen Deborah said...

you are going to have a stroke, have you ever checked your blood pressure when you feel like that?

I know your kidding around but seriously that kind of reaction can provoke very high blood pressure

your roses on steroids look fantastic!

Let the dad do that stuff you go and take pictures.

Icey said...

Note to self -- do not take drill or other tools to beach. Buy all the stuff to be hung and wait til husband comes down.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention the part when you put it up then to it down and had to do the process over again.. and that's when you got the nails....maybe

Love,CBW's daughter

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

KD-According to my inner hypochondriac, I should have had a stroke years ago. High blood pressure is definitely a legitimate concern, however I have it checked every few months and so far so good (unless you're taking it during one of these episodes, then the blood pressure cuff will blow into the Atlantic Ocean).

Icey-You were always the handy one in college. I was always better supervising, aka watching.

CB Daughter-I have blocked out how many times I took it up and put it down. Actually, I'm trying to block the whole episode out. Next time, Step One will be "Call Granddaddy."

On an unrelated note, Big Hair Envy is traveling to Mathews today to scope out the scene and begin talks about July's Blog Fest. So I am busy trying to hide my laundry and clutter before she gets here.

Happy Friday.

Grandma J said...

Oh can I relate to the whole drywall screw scenario.

I found the perfect solution. Hercules Hooks! No kidding, it's one of the Billy Mays "as seen on TV" products. They are as thin as a brad, and you just twist them into the wall by drill or hammer required. Seriously!

Now, before I found Hercules Hooks I found velcro to be the alternative perfect hanger!

Daryl said...

This is why I never had kids.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

GJ-Can you bring me some Hercules Hooks when you visit in July? If not, how about just bringing Hercules?

Daryl-I'm OK with the kids part, it's the home maintenance/improvement part that will be my demise. If the stroke doesn't get me first.

tj said...

...I second what GJ said, those Hercules Hooks are really somethin'. I think you can get those at your local WalMart (sorry 'Joe Blow':o)...

...I'm sure that CBD is very proud of her new bulletin board. So much so, that there's probably a photo of her mother hanging on it right now... (Note to CBD: if no photo of mom on bulletin board get one there stat!:o) lol...

...Great job CBW! Blessings too...

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

TJ-Next time I'm in Wal-Mutant I'll check it out.

Oh, and CB Daughter has 3 pictures of our cat on her bulletin board, and one picture of her mother. Bless her heart.

Anonymous said...

At least you have the excuse of being the gender who isn't 'suspose' to be good at chores like that.

Love the 'truth perspective' that CBDaughter offers. Gives the readers an insight as to what life is really like before your wordsmithing glosses over the imperfections with 10 coats of adjectives and cross-outs :)

Big Hair & Baby Sis both in town for the weekend....PARTY! (good thing you got your chores done early)

Anonymous said...

When are you coming out with the CBW/"Life in Mathews" calendar?


The photos are out of this world.

Would you mind if I tried to cajole my mumma into painting (watercolor) some your fantastic scenery? Is that copyright infringement?

Maybe we could work out some sort of clutter/laundry asylum/echange. We could take turns hiding it at each other's houses, and at least we'd have one neat, clean abode between us?


PS Apparently I am on some sort of "slash" (/) and question mark (?) kick today. Hopefully it's not too annoying/confusing? :)

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Anonymous-CB Daughter (and Son for that matter) is hilarious and can indeed provide a unique insight into the goings on around here.

AMN-Have at it with the pictures. Re the calendar, would love to but need someone with organizational skills to make it happen. If you know anyone, let me know. Have no fear with the / and ? ...have you met my strike-through obsession?

joe blow said...

TJ- no need to apologize to me. I will hopefully be dead and gone when the consequences come. It's our children and those who will seek freedom in the future that require an apology from all of us if we squander their freedom and country.

I was trying hold off on the negative today but you had to bring me into this. :>)

CBW Support the local handyman/honey do "professional."

:>)Have a great day and weekend all.

joe blow said...

Just saw this in todays DP.

Wal-Mart stores are giving away several ice cream treats from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. on Saturday.

The giveaway includes 1.57 oz. Dibs Snack Bags, 2.4 oz. Blue Bunny Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bars and 4 oz. Ben & Jerry's Flipped Out Cups.

Customers may choose one of the snacks while supplies last.

big hair envy said...

I'm heading your way. Can't wait to see the newly-hung bulletin board!!!

Lynne M. said...

I love your hopped up on steroids roses! I can't grow roses. I guess it's that whole Black Thumb of Death thing.

How old is your daughter? My poor son who is 13 (but has been doing this since he was, oh, probably 5) has to hang his own stuff on the walls... OK, bad, bad, bad mom. BUT - he finds that tape and/or thumb-tacks work beautifully. Yeah, yeah, bad, bad mom.

Pueblo girl said...

HATE DIY - everything I do just seems to create more problems than I had in the first place: recent examples: mount iron bed frame - screw heads break off in situ as I tighten them, leading to hours trying to get headless screws out again, and more hours trying to find other screws with which to replace them. Or, tighten loose light switch mounting. Light switch mounting falls off wall and breaks. Local hardware store haughtiliy proclaims light switch mountings very old, and does not sell any like these. Rewire new, different light switch mounting. Begin to open bottle of wine. Corkscrew falls apart in hand. Open tool drawer to find pliers to put it back together again. Pliers invisible. Open drawer some more. Drawer, overloaded with heavy disorganised tools, falls out and smashes on the floor. Spend wineless evening gluing tool drawer back together. Pliers do not appear....etc, etc.

mom x 2 said...

You are so funny! I don't do any home improvement projects either. It saves me money in the long run.

Mental P Mama said...

I need a drink after all that.

Annie said...

Love those roses, and can identify with the notice boards...I don't recall any of my kids having one in their rooms...! There wasn't much decorating done at my place...who needs decorations when you have roses like that growing in your front door!
Hope you have a great weekend. Seems like we have started on the flu here! Great! Poor daughter is in bed shivering! Hope the baby doesn't catch it!

joe blow said...

Annie- Be careful with that flu. Another case of swine flu at a Chesapeake Middle School was in the paper today.

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

Drywall screws are from the devil. Anytime I read directions and get to the part about the drywall screws, I stop reading and QUIT. There is seriously nothing worse. I speak the voice of experience.

foolery said...

Almost no pictures hanging on the walls in our house. Why? I'll tell you why (you knew I would). Because the walls in 60% of the house are plaster from the 30s or something, and NOTHING goes into it without crumbling away a hole as big as Mick Jagger's mouth.

Also I can't find my hammer.

(This was hilarious, CBW)

Stone Veneer said...

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