Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Facts and Figures

Warning: Staring directly into the sun's glare may burn a hole in your retina. Please wear protective eye gear such as a blind fold when viewing this photo. Thank you.

Once upon a time there was a slightly off-kilter bored under-utilized employee named Chesapeake Bay Woman. One day as she was reading a magazine perusing research material, she came across some very interesting facts about Mathews and the surrounding areas. By the way, Chesapeake Bay Woman has enough blog fodder for two new blogs in addition to Life in Mathews: one for work and the other one for personal drama, but let's get back to the story pertaining to this blog post, already in progress, which has to do with facts and figures, although how would you know since I've not told you anything thus far that wasn't off on a tangent?

(I am preparing my acceptance speech for the World's Most Ridiculous and Inane Paragraph Ever contest, which I seem to have won hands down with that first one.)


Let's take a look at what we have:

Gloucester County
2008 Population: 36,109
Change from 2007: 1.2%
Median income: $56,123
Median home value: $227,293
Median age: 39.7

Mathews County
2008 Population: 9,148
Change from 2007: 1.8%
Median income: $54,431
Median home value: $228,669
Median age: 47.7

Middlesex County
2008 Population: 10,277
Change from 2007: 0.4%
Median income: $45,583
Median home value: $226,617
Median age: 49.4

Source: Weldon Cooper Center for Public Service, University of Virginia; U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics; U.S. Census Bureau and VA Association of Realtors

Now, before Chesapeake Bay Woman's circuitry overloads and all systems shut down, she'd like to make a few analytical statements, which is about all she's good for in any year--a few.

1. The houses are worth more in Mathews.

2. There are fewer people in Mathews, and we have an older population than Gloucester, but not as old as Middlesex.

3. There are four times as many people in Gloucester as in Mathews.

4. All of them go to the Gloucester Wal-Mart at the same time. And they all check out at the same time, which is exactly when Wal-Mart decides that it needs to send all its cashiers on break except the one 15-year-old who doesn't know what cilantro is or the elderly lady who wants to talk to you about her bunions, her chihuahuas and her hairdresser's boyfriend's cousin's twelve cats, one of which had kittens and kept her up all night.

The moral of all this in-depth analysis is as follows:

If you ever want to see a freak show, try sitting down on a bench inside that Gloucester Wal-Mart. Then you might understand why the Chesapeake Bay Family calls it Wal-Mutant.

The End.

Disclaimer: The author of this blog post does not claim to be any better than anyone from Gloucester, Middlesex or surrounding counties, nor does she claim to be bunion-free. Although she feels it is exceedingly important that everyone become well-acquainted with cilantro, she understands that not everyone is.

She does, however, feel very strongly that something is going on in that Gloucester Wal-Mart because she's never seen anything like it and wonders if it isn't some parallel universe unaccounted for on those population stats above.


tj said...

...Wow there's alot of people in Gloucester compared to Mathews. I know, you said that already... Did I ever tell you I'ma lil' slow? ;o)

..."Wal-Mutant" (LOL! *falls outta chair laughing*)... We have the same thing here! I swear it's like a circus sideshow at our local WalMart... One day I'm at our local WalMart pushin' my cart along and I accidentally bumped this woman's cart and of course I looked at her and apologized but OMG - she had tattoos on her face! I kid you not, on her FACE! :o/ Do you know how hard it is to keep your chin from fallin' into your cart while proceeding to walk away nonchalant as if seein' folks with tattooed faces is an everyday occurrence?! GACK! *giggle*...

...My word verification today is "swimmi" appropriate, your beautiful photo of the water there makes one think think of goin' for a swim... :o)

...Blessings CBW...

Grandma J said...

I think all Walmarts are a people watching theme park. After midnight is especially entertaining.

I love all your data. At least you are below the average age.

joe blow said...

Wal Mart:

I've always called it the "Communist Party Store" because of the way it destroys local business and culture in a community. Another scary thing about Wal Mart is their distribution warehouses.
Their location in remote areas of the country near interstates has brought the image of concentration camps to mind (I drove OTR for 10 years). Wouldn't take much to change all those well guarded and secure buildings into human detention centers? They have rail service also. Something to consider as history repeats itself.

But maybe the fact it attracts so many "simple minds" "weird people"
is a sign of the mind conditioning strategies employed by Wal Mart to bring you in and shop/buy. Part of the whole culture/community destroying plan.

It's not just Wal Mart either. I watched America's Interstate exits all homogenize as well. All the privately owned business disappeared and chain business and restaurants took their place. Every exit around the county is the same. Very few locals left and no regional culture and ambiance.

No God, no family, just Wal Mart!

Take a ride around Bentonville Arkansas Wal Mart HQ. See all the bus loads of Manager trainees. What exactly are they indoctrinating them with that can't be done locally and requires all trainees come to Bentonville AR?

Pretty scary stuff.

Just another view...........

Here's a great youtube video to make my point.

Anonymous said...

Googled female facts and figures...ended up here - not what I was expecting...


Anonymous said...

Creative analogy Joe.
Maybe we should require everyone to spend more money for a product than is needed...just so a few people can make more money. I don't know what it's called when a business and it's customers preform this process voluntary, but there's a name for it when government does it.

Anonymous said...

Got distracted at my job and hit the enter key before I signed my name on that last post cause it's been so busy here since Kathy's Kraft Korner closed. Oops, gotta go do my job.

"HI There.. Welcome to Walsmart"

[just kidding]
(Single Male Blog Stalker)

Caution Flag said...

Apart from its demoralizing impact on America and its reign of terror on my neighbors' gun shop, I LOVE Walmart. We have three within 5 miles: one with mutants (always), one with military (apologies to my Army-wife sister for that one) and one for everyone else. The happiest news? A new Walmart is opening up 1 mile away. Sure, it took out a few ma and pa shops, but it's only a mile away :)))))

joe blow said...

Consider how much of your dollar goes to China (a communist country)when you shop at these cheap labor stores.

Now consider what your country and way of life and freedom are worth. Now what is the cost?

A number of creative proactive communities are printing their own money and encouraging folks to use those local dollars in locally owned business. It helps, the community as US dollars are invested to help charity and community service needs locally.

See the big picture when you calculate cost versus value. What is the cost versus value in a community like Mathews and the Bay region in a relatively free society such as ours, versus funding an enemy such as communist China and Middle East oil helping them destroy us with our own dollars.

Look at what your dollar is buying.

Chris said...

Hilarious! There is really a town called Middlesex?

Lynne M. said...

HeHe! Having been born and raised in good ole Gloucester County, I take no offense at all - and I HATE wal-mart. I would be interested in the numbers from 1990. I think the increase in population in Gloucester was probably more like 10% from then to now!!!! It's sad...

And all the freaks in Gloucester only get to leave their homes if they promise to go straight to Wal-Mart and straight home!!!

Auds at Barking Mad said...

It wasn't the photo that burned a hole in my retina it was creating a mental image of your Wal Mutants! *lol* Ours are probably every bit as bad. I think blindfolds are required when entering the store.

I betcha that pretty soon Wally World is gonna start charging admission just to enter and people watch!

Anonymous said...

Wal-Mutant is also a GREAT place to spot the latest in Wal-MULLETS!
Baby Sis

Anonymous said...

Just out of curiosity Joe;

What do you do with (to) all those people who don't want to voluntarily use fake money? How will you motivate them to ensure the plan will work?

I don't know of any communes (a true example of communism) that survived the 60's...and though I'm too young to have experienced the livelihood, I personally liked the merits of free-sex!:) and multiple spouses (and free-sex).

(Single Male Blog Stalker)

Daryl said...

I have been to Gloucester ...

Mental P Mama said...

I cannot wait until July. Really.

Lynne M. said...

CHRIS - I did live in Middlesex for a short period of time - it was nowhere near as exciting or interesting as it sounds.. I used to sit on the front porch and count the cars that went by... Very pretty, though

Puebo girl said...

I'd have Chris know that there's a whole county called Middlesex in the UK, and nobody raises an eyebrow. There's also a county called Essex, which, remove one "s", is pretty topical, and the eyebrows are still immobile.

CBW - loved the post. There's no Walmart (yet) in Spain, that I know of anyway, but we do have supermarkets which seem to attract more than their fair share of mutants, though I've never dared express these sentiments before, as being too politicaly incorrect. It's like taking off my brace!

Are you planning a trip to your local Walmart as part of the Blogfest experience? Not that I can come, but I think your readers might appreciate it!

Anonymous said...

Yes, YES!!! I feel that a field trip to WALMUTANT is a necessary part of your blogfest (freakfest ) !! PLEASE let me drive the bus. And please FIND a bus for me to drive! Does Nascar neighbor still have rights to the NEWTON'S BUS???
Baby Sis

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

TJ-I think that chick with the facial tattoos makes the rounds because I've seen her in the Gloucester Wal-Mutant too.

Yes, there is a place called Middlesex and actually we have an Essex county too. Lancaster, York, Sussex, Surry, Windsor, there are kajillions of names that people brought here from the old country instead of coming up with new ones such as Moon, Jamaica, Glass, Susan, oh the list goes on and on.

BabySis: Wal-Mullets? Well, now I've heard it all.

The bus tour to Wal-Mutant (which is about 15 miles away) will be an optional excursion that Julie Your Cruise Director can offer to those who have their own vehicles while attending BLOG Fest, where the only freaks on display will be members of the Chesapeake Bay Family. That includes you, Baby Sis since Middle Sis will be tying the knot in Hawaii.

Also to Pueblo Girl-I feel extremely bad about poking fun at others, I generally try not to (unless it's aimed at myself or my family) however the concentration of shall we say *unusual* people is so dense in that Wal-Mutant that I felt compelled to shed light on the subject, all the while making sure people know that we're as freakish as anyone else, although probably not as bad off as some of those Wal-Mutant customers...anyway, my point is feel free to be politically incorrect, you're among friends. (Weird friends, but friends nonetheless.)

Pueblo girl said...

Oh, by the way, Joe Blow, it's called "Capitalism", this thing that apparently offends you. That is, buying things at the most competitive rate and selling them on to customers you have created. Pardon me for being nïave, but I thought that was part of the (current) American/European Community dream?

Big Hair Envy said...

Come up to the Mechanicsville Wal-Mart sometime....I'll SHOW you WAL-MUTANT....!!!!!!!!!!!

Could you look up those statistics for King & Queen County? UmK..Thanks!

Friday. I will need to work a half day. THEN, I will have to find out the quickest way to get to your place from Mechanicsville. email me tomorrow with directions, and I'll give you an estimated arrival time:) Can. Not. Wait.!!!

Wal-Mullet?? Bwahahahaha!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Grandma J. Wal Mart or Wal Mutant is packed with (mutants) people at night and especially on weekends.

Love, CBW's daughter

joe blow said...

I see my friends who have apparent opposition to keeping money in our community versus sending it off to our enemies did not read the links I posted. All your questions and concerns should be answered there.


mmm said...

Middlesex - huh... Lived in Pennsylvania for a while. The neurotic part of me was always a little uncomfortable when we drove through Intercourse on our way to Paradise. Where do you suppose they got those names?

Wal-mart - how about the "thin blue bags from the overstocked vendors of excess"?

I'm tickled to see that CBW's daughter is in the blog game. Hey girl!

Seems like you stirred up some interest today, CBW! Cool.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Yes!! CB Daughter commented on about 8 posts tonight--don't ask me which ones, I've already forgotten but one had to do with me complaining about taking her to the ball park--and she provides a very different perspective, which is accurate, may I add, especially through her eyes.

CB Daughter is hilarious and I am encouraging her to read/comment more often AND soon (as in when we have time to focus, and remember I have adult-onset ADD and Forgeteverythingism) she will not be signing in as Anonymous she'll be Chesapeake Bay Daughter legitimately. Love it.

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

p.s. I cannot let an opportunity to tell CB Daughter that I love her slip by idly....LOVE YOU, CBD! And aldo CB Son who needs to read more often (and will once I ever lose dial-up internet which is nothing but a joke and embarassment to a modern-day teenager, says the woman who needs a walker and a cane to drag herself away from it).

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

I started to look up comparable statistics on my home county in PA, which led to me trying to put together a post wherein I tried to provide insight into the redneck I truly am, which stalled when I could not find a photo of my country church on the web, and... well... I loved this post and the photo too, and you have no idea how much alike we are, except that I grew up between two smallish rivers, and the closest "creek" was surely a mere trickle compared to yours.

Also, we had no Wal-Mutant within hours of where I grew up. We did, however ,have a Ben Franklin and a Murphy's - but I think we covered that here a while ago...

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Meg-This Wal-Mutant is a good 15+ miles away, however it provides Wal-Mutant services to three or four different counties. Back in the day we had the Murphy's Mart in Gloucester County that served much the same purpose as Wal-Mutant does today, only without the mutants.

And now I apologize to Gloucester because perhaps not all 45 million mutants shopping there are from Gloucester, perhaps it's Middlesex and other counties descending at once.

Nonetheless, there's no disputing mutants run amok in that store which happens to be in Gloucester County, no offense to Gloucester citizens particularly those from Guinea, not that there's anything wrong with Guinea or any reason to single them out, because my mother has friendly ties to Guinea and I have wonderful childhood memories of riding a pony named SATAN in Guinea.

We love Guinea.... but just for the record, I'm not lying about that Guinea pony's name.

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

OH, we have plenty of mutants here, too. They're everywhere...

foolery said...

Not a WalMart shopper. They can't take over the world if no one shops there. Pathetic, I know, but just doing my part.