Three Things

Step right up, folks, and welcome to another episode of As the World Turns Three Thing Thursday, where I share three random thoughts and you hopefully do the same.

Let's get started.

1. My stockpile of photos pre-loaded onto Blogger is dwindling, and even worse I've not had time to take photos, download and then upload them, which usually takes approximately several months days. Hence, we have the photo above of creek mud and periwinkles Canada geese at sunset, complete with too much glare, one leg missing, and one neck contorted into a water fowl pretzel.

In short, this photo represents the bottom of the Chesapeake Bay Woman Barrel.

2. This weekend there's a Relay for Life event at the high school, and our one and only Re aka Ann Marie needs sponsors. Please visit her site for info on how you can participate in the fight against cancer. In return, she promises to make some of her award-winning deviled eggs. Plus hush puppies. And fried fish. And macaroni salad. And succotash.

If she tells me she can fry chicken I'm going to have to put up a For Sale sign and move down to Bavon in spite of the infestation overabundance of insects and fiddler crabs.

3. This morning as I was counting the minutes of my life wasting away behind the steering wheel commuting to work, NPR had a piece on roller derby and how it's still alive and well with over 500 (!) leagues worldwide. I was born with no other purpose than to be a roller derby-er and would like to know where and when I can sign up. Do you they accept 45-year-olds with graying hair and Vitamin D deficiencies? Perhaps I can get the makers of Boniva, the osteoporosis medication, to be my sponsor.

Now it's your turn. Please share three things or more things. Random or related. Good or bad. Funny or sad. Mindless or cerebral.

Whatever you want.

It's Raining Men. Still.

Here in cyberspace, the Mathews County Womanless Beauty Pageant lives on, even though it's been over and done with for three weeks days now. Something like this doesn't happen very often, and we folks here in Mathews don't get out ever, except to Best Value and Food Lion much.

We don't shave much either, not even when wearing our Sunday best:


But we sure can bust a move. (Or is that move a bust?)


No, a Womanless Beauty Pageant in Mathews is truly a big Neal deal.


Mathews is known for fishnets gill nets, pole dancers fishing poles and miles of beautiful, glistening wigs beaches. The people who live here are crazier than loons generous to a fault and will do anything to help a good cause, such as Relay for Life.

They'll bend over backwards to help someone in need.


And speaking of need, this needs to be the poster child for next year's Miss Mathews Relay for Life Womanless Beauty Pageant:

And there will be another Womanless Beauty Pageant, right? I really need to get a life something to look forward to.

Be sure to check out some of the other posts and pictures from Saturday's event, including Big Hair Envy, Ann Marie, Noe Noe Girl, Native Devil and Meg (who posted tons of photos online. If I knew how to link it, I would. Meg can attest to my lack of computer skills. Ask her for confirmation that I'd never compressed, re-sized or cropped a photo until she taught me how this weekend. Thank you, Meg!)

For anyone wishing to make donations or to learn more about the county's fundraising efforts for the American Cancer Society, click on The Mathews Relay for Life website.

p.s. Hello, Realty TV show producers? Give me a call. Have I got a county for you.

Real Men Wear Dresses

In spite of all outward appearances, this is not a police line-up.

On the left (above), we have Miss Grimstead, aka Bud "Boudoir" Ward, waiting for the talent portion of the competition in Saturday night's Womanless Beauty Pageant at Mathews High School. Next to him is Miss Cardinal, aka former Washington Redskin Stuart Anderson. Sitting in front is Baby Sister's friend Miss Bohannon, aka Chuckie Walker. She He sashayed and shimmied to "Tip Toe Through the Tulips" for his her part of the talent competition.

Here he she is (below) dazzling the judges during the swimsuit competition:




Stuart Anderson Miss Cardinal sang her his heart out.


So did Richard Moughon Miss New Point. Speaking of points, her his knee-high, spike-heeled boots were very impressive. Unfortunately I didn't capture them fully in this particular shot, which is a tad blurry:


There were some things I captured that I almost wish I hadn't:

For just the briefest of moments I'd like you to compare Miss Grimstead's broad shoulders (below) to his her dainty little thong waist. Yes, those are dollar bills dangling from her his waistband, and yes that is spandex under that thong a hula hoop.


By the time the swimsuit competition rolled around, Miss Grimstead was showing signs of I need a beer and I don't care who I have to knock over to get one fatigue.


But then he she caught her his second wind.

Is there a market for Womanless Beauty Pageant talent managers? Because I'm seriously considering changing careers. This was so daggone exhausting much fun it ought to be illegal, and I'm pretty sure in some states it is.

Thank you to everyone who attended, especially my blog friends:

Meg who drove from suburban Washington, D.C. just for the event;

Noe Noe Girl from about an hour away, who left behind her husband, 7 new laying hens and 52 varieties of recently planted tomatoes to be watered;

Big Hair Envy, who made an emergency phone call to her daughter who has "show choir makeup" to ask the critical question of how one makes fake eyelashes stick when said fake eyelashes have been purchased from Dollar General for one dollar won't cooperate; and

Ann Marie, whose artistic talent spans from the beautiful cheese platter she served all these ladies to the beautiful glitter fingernail polish she applied when I was so stressed I just wanted to cry die.

Most of all thanks to the ladies men of Mathews County who proved that real men women really do wear pink thongs.

Miss Mathews

Here we have a photo from historic Abingdon Episcopal Church of a lovely bench nestled in some very lovely flowers in a patch of very nice sunlight, but enough of that because GUESS WHAT I have a very exciting announcement to make and it's this:

We're having a Mini Impromptu Blog Fest this weekend thanks to Meg from Soup is not a Finger Food, and Big Hair Envy, and Noe Noe Girl, and Ann Marie who are coming to my house Saturday for wine followed by some wine refreshments before heading to Mathews High School at 7:00 for the Womanless Beauty Pageant fundraiser for Relay for Life/American Cancer Society.

Please. If you are within driving distance, please come Saturday night. Not only will you be supporting a good cause, you'll also laugh yourself silly.

Plus I'd like to show you the fruit of all my days hours of hard labor without the benefit of an epidural or Lamaze: the birth of this womanless woman known as Bayman, aka "Miss Grimstead."

Purple glitter and spandex will be involved.

If you have any questions about glitter or spandex the event, or if you're struggling to understand coconut bras the meaning of life, e-mail me at

ChesapeakeBayWoman@gmail.com.

I will definitely take pictures but dial-up internet and problems with my computer may preclude my posting them before next week, which will be approximately the same time I recover from all this.

Hypothetically speaking, if you were at a show where men were dressed up as women competing in a talent segment, what would you enjoy seeing them do that could be classified as PG-13?

Hypothetically speaking, does "one size fits all" include all sizes of men when fishnet hose the item in question is made exclusively for women?

p.s. Tonight fellow Mathews County blogger, Miss Mermaid, becomes Mrs. Mermaid on a very special piece of Mathews County land. Congratulations, Lady Mermaid. Watch out for the fiddler crabs, they are killer down that neck of the woods and will latch onto you like clip earrings.

Three Things

Every Thursday here in Crazyville Chesapeake Bay Woman's world we have what's known as a three ring circus Three Thing Thursday, where she I share three things and you share three things, whatever you want. Anything at all.

Let's begin.

1. The photo above from Bethel Beach is not of some mutant/hybrid seal-iguana-snake-alligator looking thing. That is a piece of driftwood which happens to look like some sort of mutant/hybrid seal-iguana-snake-alligator looking thing.

2. Oh my goodness gracious. Oh my goodness gracious sakes alive. As the talent manager of one of the participants in Saturday's Relay for Life womanless beauty pageant, I can assure you that anyone under the beams of the Harry Ward Auditorium will be screaming with laughter that night.

3. Today as I was leaving the paying job I rolled my sun roof back. A hawk flew so close overhead he cast a shadow on my forehead dashboard. For a not so fleeting moment I worried wondered about the possibility of some big bird swooping down, sticking its claws in my rat's nest frizzy hair and pulling me through the sun roof. But only for the whole commute home a fleeting moment.

Now it's your turn to share three (or more) things.

Whatever you want. Anything at all.

Relay for Life

Once upon a time, Chesapeake Bay Woman had a friend called Bayman.

Bayman is the sort of person who'd give you the shirt off his back in a snowstorm and then ask if you also wanted his shoes and socks. He'd do anything for anybody.

One day, Chesapeake Bay Woman was sitting innocently at a lacrosse game, when a person we shall call Miss Kathy asked for suggestions of local men to participate in a Womanless Beauty Pageant as a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. Chesapeake Bay Woman, who loves these sorts of brainstorming games, spewed off about 120 20 names, one of which was Bayman's.

Bayman has a close relative fighting cancer, and the event--in which men dress up as women and compete in a beauty pageant which includes formal attire, a talent competition and a swimsuit event--benefits cancer research. So I thought he'd be a good choice. Plus, I want to see him in a dress and high heels.

This was the look on Bayman's face when Miss Kathy asked if he would please dress up as a woman and dance to an Isley Brothers song strut around on stage to benefit cancer research:


But after he thought about it for a moment and realized it was for such a good cause, he jumped right in the manicure chair right on the powder puff band wagon.

The "Miss Relay" womanless beauty pageant will be held this Saturday at 7:00 p.m. at Mathews High School in the Harry Ward Auditorium, not to be confused with any other auditorium because there is only one.

Former professional football player Stuart Anderson will also be wearing a dress, people! participating in the pageant. Folks, this is a sight you will not want to miss is going to be fun!

Tickets are $10 at the door, and of course donations are always accepted. Checks should be made to Relay for Life and can be sent to Miss Kathy Gwyn, 17542 John Clayton Memorial Highway, Mathews, VA 23109.

In addition to serving as Bayman's agent, choreographer, make-up artist, wardrobe expert, Isley Brothers fan who knows just the song to play for the talent competition manicurist, pedicurist, stylist and talent manager, Chesapeake Bay Woman will be videotaping the event, provided she can (a) find her video camera (b) charge the battery (c) find the battery (d) figure out how to use it, all of which means that (e) Chesapeake Bay Son best be comin' along to handle the videotaping.

The End.

p.s. Does anyone know where a person such as Bayman might locate high-heeled dress shoes in a man's size 12? With all the freaks who shop at the Gloucester Wal Mutant (no offense to freaks folks from Gloucester), I'm thinking that might be the best place for him to start. Of course we don't have any place to buy shoes in Mathews unless you count horse shoes and even then you have to call in a special person.

p.s.s.t Big Hair Envy? Noe Noe? This might be the weekend for a sleepover in Mathews.