Thursday, March 6, 2008

Driving Miss Crazy

In Mathews, there are no stoplights, plenty of winding country roads, and two kinds of drivers: NASCAR and Senior Citizen.

The NASCAR drivers come in two flavors: Truck Driving Bubba and Working Mumma. They know only one speed: WIDE OPEN, zero to 80 at warp speed, regardless of posted speed limits, sheriff's deputies or stop signs. Bubba and Mumma are in a hurry to get to nowhere--but quick!

Bubba's truck is jacked up so high you need an escalator to get in. The mud-caked windshield (from 4-wheeling) adds yet another element of danger when going around sharp turns on two wheels with Charlie Daniels playing in the background.

The NASCAR Mumma works "across the river" and is always running late. Her strengths include the ability to apply mascara, talk on the phone, steer with her knees, tailgate, honk the horn, smoke a cigarette and cuss like a sailor. Simultaneously.

Senior Citizens enjoy the quiet, small-town life that Mathews offers. Your Senior Citizen driver prefers a Buick (vintage 1984) and insists on wearing a hat (vintage 1940). The females in this category grip the steering wheel at the twelve o'clock position, instead of the recommended ten- and two-o'clock. This is due to the fact that they are literally hanging from the steering wheel trying to raise their eyes up high enough to see over top the dash. The male driver generally clears the top of the steering wheel, but only because of the required HAT. Seniors drive 20 mph below the posted speed limit and will signal one mile before their turn off.

At one time, there was a third category of drivers. For lack of a better term, I'd call them your "average" driver. This now-extinct species drove the speed limit, not too slow, not too fast.

The last known average driver was spotted in the 1980's. He's now a senior citizen.


Anonymous said...

So if there are two categories of drivers, what the heck are you? Don't say senior citizen because we all know you are young and vital and vivacious...and hot. My guess is the nascar drivers careen off the road when they see you behind the wheel. Or maybe the seniors are the ones careening. I'm always running late like the working mumma, even though my destination isn't work, unless you count curves, which today will be torture because I fell back to sleep after taking the boy to school and slept till 11! For shame. I also have been known to attempt the makeup application behind the wheel, which is 1) totally unsafe and 2) totally ri-goddam-diculous (quote from John Wayne in his later years) because trying to use coverup on my age spots is an exact science, nothing that can be accomplished in a moving vehicle. Sadly, these days I've been going out au natural, mainly because I get tired of all the guys hitting on me day in and day out. Just can't take all those boners waving around. Peace out

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Kaffy - Sadly, I fall more into the senior citizen category. In more ways than just driving.

You go, girl, on the au natural. You don't need makeup, especially with the after-glow of Curves shining through.

I didn't go to Curves today, making me feel au FATural....

Occasional Kate said...

Oh, the senior citizens have a sub category. Old man in a hat. Old man in a hat is also notorious for driving super slow, but he is also known for leaving the blinker on for half the trip, even though he's just going from New Point to Port Haywood! LOL