Friday, March 7, 2008

Sleeping in Mathews: What's That?

I've always assumed that living in the country was generally more peaceful and relaxing than city living. Overall, that's a true statement, as long as we're talking about the daytime. While city living has its share of nighttime disturbances, such as ambulances, fire engines, and the early morning trash truck, these sounds are nothing compared to what happens here in the country.

The Country lulls you into a false sense of peace and serenity. The beautiful sunsets and gentle lullabies of bugs and birds set the stage for a wonderful night's sleep. In fact, I usually sleep like a baby the first couple of hours. Until the kamikaze attacks begin.

These attacks take many shapes and forms but leave one result: you go from deep, peaceful slumber to bolting upright in bed, hair standing on end and heart attack imminent.

The predominant forms of torture and sleep deprivation are listed below:

- Sounds like Satan and his minions have descended. Screams, howls, wails and growls will scare the bajeebus out of you. Requires you to get out of bed, turn lights on and scare cats off. If this is the first such event of the night, a call to 911 may not be necessary, but have the phone nearby just in case.

2. DOG BARKING - May be your dog, may be a dog across the creek or in the next county over, but because you live on the water, sound carries. One dog barks causing every dog on the Eastern Seaboard to join in. Nothing, repeat NOTHING, will stop the barking. Although there will be breaks in the barking, it will start up again no matter how many times you pray to God that you will sacrifice your first born child if ONLY he will make it stop. Crying does NOT help.

3. RACCOONS, POSSUMS, SKUNKS AND OTHER MAMMALS- They're a dime a dozen around here and, because food is so abundant, they grow to be the size of small ponies. Their hobbies include eating anything, eating everything, and strewing trash an inch thick all over your yard. Although they can do this in stealth mode causing no disruption to sleep, their confrontations with outdoor cats, and the indoor dog's ability to catch their scent, will initiate the launch sequence of (1) and (2) above, throwing the victim into cardiac arrest AND a nervous breakdown.

There are other nightly disturbances, including one's mother showing up from next door half-dressed and suffering from a concussion after falling down her steps, but that's a story for another day.


Anonymous said...

Love your post. Out here in suburbia the freakin' geese start squawking in the middle of the night. We're backed up to a pond, so all the action sounds like it's coming from our deck. The other night this one goose was so loud that I though he was being torn apart by a rabid fox. But I guess it was some sort of mating call. How sexy. Maybe I should take up screeching after midnight. But my guess is my mate would just snore through it. Write on!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Hey, Kaffy.

We have the geese too. And the blue heron's nightly squawks are akin to fingernails on a blackboard.

Don't even get me started on snoring from the Male Human. I'll have to assume the fetal position and suck my thumb.

Anonymous said...

don't forget about your " conditioned response " to the male snoring that backfired on should make a post on that!!!

Anonymous said...

I wrote the above comment, didn't mean to do it anonymously..